this is the end

Ok, so it's been a while since I last wrote, and I finally decided that it's time to end this blog. As much as I enjoyed writing it, I also promised myself that it would only be a summer-thing to document my time with CSM in Chicago. To all of you who read this at some point this summer, i hope you enjoyed my crazy antics and jumbled thoughts.

I miss Chicago and our ministry sites there and the amazing sense of purpose I had every day. I miss the directors and the other AMAZING CSM staff. (click here to read about 'em) I miss who I was while working in Chicago, and I miss how much I got to live out my faith each and every day.

Being back isn't easy- not at all. For awhile I expected it would be, but I was fooled. But one thing I learned this summer is to always be optimistic and rejoice in every situation, because no matter how bad things get, God has blessed me way too much to dwell on the difficult parts of my life. So as I go on this semester, I plan on looking at the good in my life, holding on tight to the memories of this summer, and fighting to be the person I grew to be in Chicago and not compromise that here in Madison.

And with that, it's time to sign off from this blog forever with one of my favorite verses from this summer:

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. ~Psalm 62:5-6

Praise be to God for His blessings and faithfulness this summer! Continue praying for the city and people of Chicago.

Peace-out, Maria :)

a glimpse of the summer- part 2

cafe victoria- 3 times a week!



CSM staff-ers on worship night




working hard in the staff lounge



anthony- my favorite little boy!



our directors- keysha, taylor, and jarret

a glimpse of the summer

me and my summer roomie- Mackay (megan)



chillin' in the guy's apartment after a long day's work!



doing a little modeling in our spare-time



the beautiful skyline from the John Hancock building



some of my favorite girls in the world- the other CSM staff!



throwing a party in my livingroom for McKenny's 21st



ash and I sleeping on the backporch- it was a HOTT summer



all the staff on our weekend camping trip



pole dancing ;) on our week-end retreat!



ash and some kids at CCO

eyes

So it's a little after the two-week mark since I have been done working in Chicago. It seems so much longer. How can the memories of something so amazing fade so fast? I hate the fact that memories fade. I wish God gave us the ability to remember everything we have ever done forever, so that when we wish, we can reach back into our memory and re-live those moments that made us happiest, taught us the most, and formed the person we are. I seem to always be looking ahead, but I wish I would stop and look back more often on all the experiences and people God has used to shape me and all those moments he spoke to me or showed me something. One thing from this summer that keeps coming back to me (to the point that it is annoying) is a poem we read while giving prayer tours of Chicago. It's called "Eyes", and despite the fact that I unwillingly memorized it after saying it week after week, I am half-heartedly glad I did. It's written by a homeless person in Chicago and was published in Streetwise, a newspaper sold by homeless licensed vendors. Part of each $1 spent on Streetwise goes back to the vendor so they can have a small income. So here it is...

Look me in the eyes at least,
when you pass me by on the street
whether or not you answer my plea for money:
my eyes are the poorest of me-
require only your two cents when we meet-
and are more in dire need of these than your feet.
my poor eyes! how they have spent the rent
trying to buy a pleasant remembrance
to throw up on my mind's screen when I finally tire
of going ungreeted, unseen.
I tell you what I want- what I feel
when you shuffle by behind your paper
trying to be discreet, sweating slightly
under your suit collar and looking down,
always down, as if I were your sin...
be absolved of the guilt trip! look at me!
make me a mint! shower me with riches!
give me a long look, and drown me in it!
dignity outlasts dollars.

There are 80,000 homeless people in Chicago in the course of a year and 15,000 on any given night. For those 15,000, there are only 6,500 shelter beds. 45% of homeless people are single men, but 40% are families with children. The saddest thing is that the average age of a homeless person in Chicago is only 9 years old. The leading causes are lack of affordable housing and the lack of decent jobs or a sufficinet income. It doesn't help that the city is tearing down all the projects.

nine... and homeless... can you even imagine?

this world

So every sunday night and sometimes monday afternoon we gave a prayer tour of the city of chicago. We either went around the north side or the south side and showed groups the city- both the rich and the poor, the problems, the ministries and churches, the people... Students really got a chance to learn about the dynamics of Chicago and what really goes on in the city beyond Michigan Ave. shopping and the view from the Sears tower. The most powerful part of the prayer tour for me was the end of the South-side prayer tour. We go past a lot of the projects on the south side prayer tour and hear a lot about the problems of homelessness and segregation and other issues, but we end the prayer tour by traveling up Michigan Ave. and pointing out the disparity between the rich and the poor in the city. It is amazing how much disgust you feel towards Michigan Ave. after seeing the "rest" of the city and how people really live in Chicago. Unfortunately, not everyone can afford one of the 1.5 million dollar condo's of the "Gold Coast" or a $2000 handbag from Gucci on MI Ave. After driving over the Chicago River bridge, we play the students a song and let them reflect on what they've seen on the prayer tour. The lyrics are below, but if you haven't ever heard "This World" by Caedemon's Call, you should get ahold of a copy:

There's tarnish on the golden rule
And I wanna jump from this ship of fools
Show me a place where hope is young
And a people who aren't afraid to love

This world has nothing for me and this world has everything
All that I could want and nothing that I need

This world is making me drunk on the spirits of fear.
So when he says who will go, I am nowhere near.

This world has nothing for me and this world has everything
All that I could want and nothing that I need

And the least of these look like criminals to me So I leave Christ on the street

This world has held my hand and has led me into intolerance
But now I'm waking up, but now I'm breaking up
But now I'm making up for lost time

This world has nothing for me and this world has everything
All that I could want and nothing that I need

here i am once again

Here I am,
once again
I pour out my heart
For I know that you hear
Every cry
You are listening
No matter what state my heart is in

You are faithful to answer
With words that are true
And a hope that is real
As I feel your touch
You bring a freedom
To all that's within
In the safety of this place
I'm longing to ...

Pour out my heart
To say that I love you
Pour out my heart
To say that I need you
Pour out my heart
To say that I'm thankful
Pour out my heart
To say that you're wonderful

can't stop thinking about anthony

I guess yesterday was a big day, but it didn't feel like it for some reason. Yesterday morning at about 11 I found out, after 5 long weeks of working on it, that I FINALLY got everything worked out to go to North Park in the Spring. So there it is:

I'm going to North Park University in Chicago in the Spring to major in Youth Ministry.

After I got things worked out between professors to find out about those last few gliches, I was running really late to leave for UW-Madison. I am going to be a full-time student there this fall, filling a last few general education requirements for North Park. I brought up a car-load of stuff for my new apartment and saw my roommates Jenn and Lindsey for the first time in over three months. I have only spent one day with Jenn since last Christmas break; she spent all last semester studying-abroad in New Zealand, and our paths only crossed for one day before I left for Chicago. Our new apartment is beautiful and I'm so excited about living with Lindsey and Jenn, and my roommate Kristen when she is around (she's working full-time this semester in an engineering co-op). At the same time, it's hard. It's a new place and a new situation from this summer, and probably by the time I get used to it, I'll be packing back up again and leaving for Chicago. But I know that for now, I need to stop looking ahead to Christmas break, and just really enjoy my last semester at Madison. Between only taking 12 credits, living in an amazing apartment with some amazing girls, living only 2 houses from Mike, and being involved in some exciting ministries (woooo-whooo UGC!) I think this may be my best semester yet at school.

(is this blog boring? I feel like it is)

So onto Anthony... Last night I drove home from Madison alone at around 9pm, and after stopping to get gas, I accidentally went in the wrong direction a ways, and then ended up driving through Cottage Grove and finally got back to 94-east towards Milwaukee. So my ride home was extra long last night, and gave me a lot of time to think about Anthony.

Anthony is a little 2-year-old boy at CCO (Cornerstone Community Outreach), a shelter that I helped teach VBS at this summer and served dinner at about once a week. When he was in the VBS class, he quickly became one of my favorite little kids ever. Anthony was always sweet and polite and never got angry. Most of the other kids at CCO have very quick tempers, even at young ages, due to their stressful living environment, so Anthony stuck out. He would always smile at me, and ask me for a ball. Most two year olds probably have more toys than they could ever get to playing with, and all little Anthony wanted was a ball. Luckily another CSM group had left one behind, so I brought it with me to CCO one day and stuck his name on it in big permanent marker. (I knew another kid would claim it as their own if I didn't.) And he always wanted someone to toss the ball back and forth with. And he would let other kids join in the game and play with his ball, too, until then ran off with it... and then, with his big cute eyes, he'd look up at me with this sincerely sad face and say, "ball?" But he never got mad or fought to get his ball back, and when he did, he would never hesitate to share it once again.

I miss anthony

ignorance and action (or lack thereof)

I used to believe that ignorance was one of the major problems in this world. Ignorance caused hatred, racism, injustice, complacency... I used to think "if they only knew!" Education and information could fight the biggest problems in this world- war, AIDS, drugs, poverty. One of my high school friends and I were in Model United Nations together, and in any mock debates about world issues, we would always want to argue the same solution: "Kill all the stupid people and we won't have to deal with this problem anymore!" (Clearly that solution has some problems of it's own, but you get the idea.)

And then I learned that education was not enough. I saw that some of the wisest people were the least educated. Many homeless people I have met on the street have been far more profound and wise than many college-educated adults that I know. There are people who barely made it through grade-school and have a clearer picture of how the world works than some with Master's degrees. Education isn't the answer- life experience and perspective are also needed to have the wisdom to replace the ignorance in this world. Just because someone has a college degree doesn't mean they are any wiser than someone who doesn't. Worse off, the people with the degree tend to have more pride... and pride leads to more ignorance. I've met a whole lot of prideful people who have completely lost the ability to learn and grow because they are so stubborn and self-confident that they already know everything important there is to know. They become close-minded and talk a whole lot more than they care to listen and learn.

And then I met Christians- I have been since I'm become one. After getting involved in Christian ministries and missions, I have Christian friends everywhere in my life, and all over the country, too. Now maybe you guess that I am somehow going to twist this into some "become a Christian so you won't be ignorant any more". I suppose I could, but that isn't my point for now. I merely want to use many Christian friends of mine (and myself also) as an example of how education and perspective and experience still aren't enough to fight the major plagues of this planet. So many Christians know so so so much about the bible, about Christian doctrine, about theology, about how Christians should live out their faith, and about Jesus... but there is a huge gap between what we know and how we act. I guess I could give examples of this gap, but you all probably have a few of your own.

So, that is my conclusion. Sometimes the problem is ignorance, sometimes it's perspective, but most often, it is lack of action. We can talk the talk but not walk the walk.

Our words and our actions should say the same things, and if they don't, actions are probably telling the truth.

oh madison, how i love/hate you

This article is from CNN. com on August 24, 2005:

The No. 1 Party College Is...
...the University of Wisconsin, Madison.

That's the word from the Princeton Review's annual college rankings based on a 70-question survey completed by 110,000 students on 361 campuses nationwide. And while all college administrators vie to have their school be considered the one with the best undergraduate academic experience--top honors go to Reed College in Portland, Oregon--or the happiest students--that would be Stanford University--none of them want the title of No. 1 party school. That designation is made based on the answers to questions about the amount of alcohol and drug consumption, the amount of time students spend studying and the popularity of fraternities and sororities.

Conscientious grown-ups, namely university presidents, medical experts and parents who pay hefty tuition bills to these schools, deride this particular ranking as irresponsible and unscientific. Meanwhile, students cheer when their school is recognized as a party-hearty place to be. That's exactly what happened at Wisconsin-Madison, especially since this dubious honor follows a 10-year effort by the school to reduce its reputation for heavy drinking.

UW-Madison Chancellor John Wiley told The Associated Press that he has dismissed the report as "junk science that results in a day of national media coverage." Meanwhile, Eric Varney, chair of the Associated Students of Madison, said most students will take pride in the ranking, especially since U.S. News & World Report ranked UW-Madison No. 34 among national universities. "It just shows that we work hard, but we play hard also," Varney told AP.

LET ANOTHER SCHOOL-YEAR BEGIN!

run!

I have this intense feeling to "just keep moving." If I keep myself insanely busy over the next few weeks, maybe the transition home will go smoothly. Maybe in all the business I can drown my feelings. Maybe I can forget about his summer by just throwing myself into the present.

But no, that's not the answer.

God is in the stillness, not the business.
"Be still, and know that I am God" ~Psalm 46:10