the end of an era

So the CSM family is starting to leave. Earlier today Ashley, one of the CSM staff, left us for the summer. We started off with 14 city-hosts for the summer but then lost Jeremiah a few weeks in, and now Ashley left us. A lot of staff are leaving at the end of next week (Aug 6&7th) and then two more the following weekend (the 14th?) and then Hannah, Johny, Steve and I are holding it down 'til the 21st.

With Ashley leaving comes some reflection on where I've been this summer and what I've learned. I know the next three weeks will still have a lot of big lessons for me, but I am starting mentally "check-out" and feel a strong temptation to stop learning about the city and ministry and simply soak up the fun experiences of my final weeks. I am going to try to fight the sit-back-and-relax urge and instead try to make the most out of my last few weeks. I know God has placed a few huge decisions before me still, and I need to make those very soon.

I am going to miss Ashley so much. I grew closer to her than any of the other staff here this summer. We were just able to connect and be what each other needed this summer. Ash was wild and crazy, always ready to accompany me on an adventure. I could talk about her for quite a while, but without meeting her I doubt you'd all care. I just learned (for like the millionth time in my life) that I need to be open and honest and vulnerable and myself. Ashley taught me that by example and helped me open up by being an amazing listener and friend. She also inspired me to continue to run after Jesus, no matter how messy or awkward or sloppy it looks. She was always seeking out Jesus, despite her messy short-comings and failures. Her faith and personality were genuine and truly beautiful, and above all, she was always real.

One of Ash's favorite bands was Eisley (which I recommend):
follow me down to the laughing city
with people changing all their minds
it's crazy i want this ma'am, that ma'am, no sir
yes ma'am, that sir
well i'll tell you one thing,
if you're keeping something
then hold on, hold on to the ones you love
hold on, hold on to the ones you love
~Eisley, "Laughing City"

rotten tomatoes

So how did approximately 100 CSM youth show God's love to the city of Chicago last night?
By sorting rotten tomatoes!

Last night I took a group to the Greater Chicago Food Depository (fondly known as "GCFD"). I go to this site almost every week (I think there has been only one week this summer where I haven't been at GCFD) with my CSM group. GCFD is the 2nd largest food-bank in the country and distributes food to over 600 food pantries, shelters, and soup kitchens in the city of Chicago. Basically, any where else CSM groups are serving food to the homeless or poor, the food went through GCFD.

Every year in the United States, over 96 billion pounds of food is wasted. Just 1/20 of that wasted food could feed all the hungry and food-insecure in the United States. GCFD gets donated food from companies, food drives, grocery stores, etc. and redistributes it. The food would otherwise go wasted because the packaging is damaged or mislabeled, etc.

Last night, several thousand good tomatoes would have gone wasted because they were mixed in with 7 dumpsters full of rotten tomatoes, but since 100 youth and CSM staff were at GCFD last night to sort them, those tomatoes will probably go to families who don't normally get fresh fruit and veggies. It's just cool to be allowed to be part of something so amazing.


Me: "God is good"
Student's response: "All the time"
Me: "and all the time..."
Students: "God is good"
(I love doing this with the kids- what a good reminder of God's constant goodness!!!)

and excited wins

in the battle of tired vs. excited, excited was able to gain a solid victory over this past weekend ;)

This weekend was just plain FUN, and i needed that so badly! It was also incredibly busy, but I really enjoyed it that way. Being busy isn't bad when you're having a really really good time :)

So a quick list of highlights from my weekend in Chi-town:

Mike came to visit
group left friday morning instead of saturday morning
watching Shrek 2 in a Chicago park (sweetness)
dinner at Al Kalmieh (a great great Lebanese restaurant)
hanging out in an ACed apartment (mine is NOT ACed- it's just hot)
sitting on a park bench with Mike listening to Dashboard live for several hours
making pancakes for the rest of the CSM staff
having McDonalds with Terry (a new homeless friend)
dinner at Chili's with the CSM staff and Mike
several late-late-night hours at a Hooka bar with Mike and the CSM gang
church @ Moody

It reached 104 degrees yesterday in Chicago. The hottest day in a decade. I don't have Air Conditioning. Nasty.

Ok, I have to get ready to bring a group to Good News Community Soup Kitchen! Thank you all for your prayers. My 2-week mid-summer tired streak is over and I'm feeling energetic again! Amen to that :)

evaluations

So at the end of every week, groups that come into CSM Chicago fill out evaluations about the week. They are asked to rate everything from the ministry sites and the food to the hosts (aka. me) and their spiritual growth. They hand you their evaluations right before they leave, and as soon as they pull out of the parking lot, the hosts generally like to sit down and read them. After spending all week trying to read the adult leaders and find out if they like the trip (or you for that matter) it is nice to finally find out what they really thought. Sometimes evaluations are really surprising and other times it is much easier to read the group.

The thing I love to read about is their spiritual growth during the week. The students are supposed to rate their spiritual growth on a scale of 1 to 5 (which I don't exactly agree with) but this week all the students circled "5" except for one who put "1 2 3 4 5 ..... 17" and then circled the 17. (Oh I love middle schoolers!) And their comments included:

"I want to go back and read my bible more"
"I've learned not to judge and to be thankful for what I have"
"CCO was the first soup kitchen I ever worked in and the environment and experience will stick with me for a long time. The way it affected me I really can't put into words, but it had a huge impact on me."
"The prayer tour was my favorite part"
"I learned that I need to not take things for granted. I have vowed to look to the Bible for everything."
"I learned that I need to 'stand in the gap' when I see things that shouldn't be and fix things that aren't how God wanted them"
"I learned a lot about diversity and poverty and that I can help make a difference"
"I learned I have so much to be thankful for"

I love reading these comments because I know I didn't teach these students these things. I never talked to them about being thankful for everything they have. I never lectured them on not judging others. I never preached about reading their bible everyday. Yet God used the city and their experiences serving to teach them these lessons. Since God was the One who opened their eyes to the reality of Chicago and it's beautiful people, I know the lessons they learned from Him will stick much much longer than anything I could have done or said.

Amen! :)

tired vs. excited

Ok, so life has suddenly gone crrrrrrrrazy and really dull all at the same time, leaving me drained yet unbelievably excited at the same time. I can't tell if I want to lay down and sleep all the time or dance around in joy. So i just decided to come blog a bit instead. I am so unsure of what I am feeling right now, so this blog may be a bit random.

1- I am tired. This summer's repetitiveness is starting to wear on me. I think this week is just extra hard because I'm hosting alone so I spend all day with 8 middle schoolers and 2 crazy adult-leaders (who are married and pick on each other all the time). I really just crave time with the other CSM hosts and directors. It's so nice to spend time with people my age and people who know me. Since this is my first week alone, I haven't had to spend a week void of any friends until now, so I've really been spoiled this summer. Next week I'm alone, too, but I need to just keep looking at the positives. :)

2- I am excited. I think God is trying to tell me some big big big things about where I am headed in the future, and even this next semester. I don't know for sure what I'll be doing next, so I'm going to leave out all the details for now. I feel so blessed because God is opening up choices and opportunities for me that I would have NEVER expected. Oh, and there is that nervous/excited feeling again.

Ok, the the tiredness and excitement are messing with me a bit, but in the end, I feel SO BLESSED, as always.

+++++

I am reading like CRAZY this summer, and decided I wanted to sit down and start reading through the New Testament. Since I've become a Christian I haven't dedicated myself to reading my bible nearly enough. I know it's the same old story for most Christians- feeling guilty for not pulling out their bible all the time- but it's different now for me. I know the NT holds so much truth and power and mystery, and I just want to read it all. Enough of reading it chapter by chapter or verse by verse- I want to start getting the "bigger picture" of who Jesus really was and what it truly means to follow Him.

+++++

I love my group this week- they are from a small town of 3,000 in middle-of-no-where Ohio and so much fun! There are 7 middle-school girls and one boy, and then those crazy leaders. They are just a hard-working, positive-attitude, always-silly group of students. They love to explore and learn and nap (who can blame them- they shower at 6:30 am) and "van-dance" (don't ask). I'm so blessed by the students this week.

+++++

I've been sleeping on my back-porch this week because it's been so freaking HOT here. Ashley and I (another CSM host) pulled two of our fine stiff-as-a-board-and-plastic-covered mattresses out onto our back-porch and have made ourselves a fine new bedroom. Yesterday it rained in Chicago for the third time since I've been here (it's been a major major drought) so all of my blankets and pillow got soaked. But it was still worth it. I love love love sleeping under the stars and waking up to the sunrise. Plus, I love Ashley to death, so she's a fun porch-mate to have for a few nights. :)

+++++

And with that, it's worship night here at CSM, so I have to run! I LOVE WORSHIP NIGHT.

Worship Him in spirit and in truth.

Peace out my lovely readers :)

shotgun

If you let Jesus call "shotgun" in your life, you'll be headed on the ultimate adventure.

Last night I was so overjoyed, I simply sat under the stars praising God and laughing because of His goodness.

Dang- it's 6:11 am- time to start another day!

(that's all for the moment)

sussie

ok, so just so ya'll know, "sussie" has become our staff's word for surprise, and this weekend was a giant sussie for all of us!

Our staff "re-training" weekend was this weekend, and at 5 pm on friday we had to be packed and ready to go- but we had no idea where we were headed. We stopped at a Cracker Barrel on the way for dinner (Kristen and Mike- you know how excited i was!) and then ended up in an AMAZING state park near the Wisconsin/Illinois boarder. To go from the middle of the city to the middle of no-where was quite a cultural shock to our staff, but we spent the weekend "camping" (we had very simple cabins) and hanging out outside. It was so nice to be around nature and enjoy the stillness and silence of it all. I read a whole lot, had some nice conversations with people my age (for once!), had some good camp-fire food (the complete opposite of eating out all the time), and enjoyed the agenda-less weekend. I canoed, played volleyball, prayed, and slept to my heart's content. Now I'm back in Chicago in the middle of the heat and no air-conditioning, but I feel so sosoooooooo refreshed after a weekend away.

Sometimes you just need to escape a bit and upon return you can better appreciate what you have.

Attitudes, endings, and falling asleep

ATTITUDES:

I am struggling with this one this summer. I will warn you, it may be an contradiction, but I have a bad attitude towards bad attitudes. Now you all know that I work with junior and senior high students this summer, and sometimes they just have plain old really bad negative attitudes! Bad attitudes have become a major major struggle for me this summer. For the most part, I don't see the need or benefit of bad attitudes among Christians. We have so so sossoooooooooo much to be thankful for and rejoice in! Yes, there are a lot of things and people in this world which hurt us and hurt others, and it is all right to be hurt, but the bad attitudes have to end!

I have students who complain about what they eat, when they eat, where they sleep, how much they sleep, what they do, how hard they work, etc etc etc. We are working and serving people with no place to lay their head at night. And we are following Jesus! (Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." Matthew 8:20) I am sorry I am complaining about complaining. Just pause for a moment and be thankful, because just the fact that you are reading this from a computer somewhere shows just how privledged you are. You can read, you have access to a computer, you can go online, and somehow you know me. (Ok, so i'm just joking about that last one!) I could lecture on this one forever, but complaining about bad attitudes is kinda sickening, so I'll leave it at that.

ENDINGS:

I found out I am going to be leaving here August 21st-ish, making me one of the last possible staff to leave this summer. In all honesty, I don't want to go back to Madison. I love my friends and church and community in madison, but I also want to stay here so badly. I know Chicago is for me and inner-city ministry is quickly becoming a big dream for me, and I just don't want to leave here. As things get rolling in Madison in the fall I know I will be all right, but I don't think I'm going to want to be back in Madison at the end of August. I am going to keep praying about this one and hopefully God will remind me of all the reasons He's called me to UW-Madison for 2.5 more years. I know I belong there for a while still as I grow and learn, but it's so hard to be so patient for so long when I know what I am passionate about- Jesus, the inner-city, and youth.

FALLING ASLEEP:

In the last 5 nights I've fallen asleep 4 nights unexpectedly with my clothes on, contacts in, and in some odd places. I'm getting a little tired here in the middle of the summer- 70+ hours a week and Saturday afternoon/evenings off is a hard schedule to keep up with, but I do love love love it. I know I have the strength of God behind me, so I know I will make it through just fine, but if you read this, pray for some more energy for me.

To all of you reading this, I am so thankful for you. I hope God is blessing you this summer. :)

comments

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adventure (READ THIS ONE!)

So last week I really felt God calling me to His side- for a time of solitude and prayer. I just felt like God had things He wanted to show me and teach me. This whole summer has been difficult in so much that I lose my freedom. When you are always responsible for a group or with a group of other staff on the weekends, you don't have much freedom to do what you want when you want. I longed to just go out into the city of Chicago. So Saturday afternoon (my only time off) I told everyone I was just going to "lay low" for the day and took off from my apartment with a little money, my camera, my bible, and my journal. I bought a day pass for the CTA (so I could ride public transportation all day) and jumped on the El.

My first stop was Moody Church, which was founded by D.L. Moody (for those of you up on your church history). This place is beautiful from the outside, but this saturday it was completely locked up. It hurt to see a house of God locked, especially one so beautiful.

Luckily, right across the street was the Chicago Historical Society. I had been there during training and there was an exhibit on Emit Till that I wanted to see. Emit Till was a 14 year old African American boy from Chicago who went to visit his grandmother in Mississippi in 1955 and was brutally killed and murdered for allegedly whistling at a white women. Emit Till's accused murderers where all found innocent by an all-white jury in the south, and the case really started the Civil Rights movement. The exhibit at the Chicago Historical Society wasn't just on Emit Till but on all the lynchings in the US between the 1860's and the 1960's. The pictures and stories I saw were gruesome, and not so much because of the mutilated bodies, but because of the smiling white mobs in the foreground. I had a hard time walking around the exhibit because I realized I was the only white person in the room. How did everyone else feel about what they were seeing? How did everyone else thing of me for being there? I was feeling discussed by the actions of whites in the past and ashamed for my association to them by our race. I wished, as I often do, that I was black- or at least I wished I could fully understand what it would be like to be black. At the end of the exhibit they had two books by the door that said "share your thoughts". I took up half a page with my own muddled feelings of what I had just experienced and then took a moment to flip through a few written ahead of me. I was a little surprised by what I found- I found bible verses and prayers asking God for healing for the situation and forgiveness for the past- I found pain but I also found hope in Jesus. I found Jesus.

After the Historical Society my adventure took me to... Cabrini Green. Yes the most notorious of all the projects here in Chicago. Cabrini is not a place you would find a young white girl from outside the city- and for good reason. But three bus-rides and a few quick prayers later, I found myself in the heart of Cabrini. I knew one person who worked at a little church in the center of the Cabrini buildings. His name was Lesile and he was the youth pastor at Holy Family Lutheran Church. Lesile had come to speak at worship night once for CSM so I got the chance to hear him, but I never met him myself. In the middle of the foreign land of Cabrini, I decided to go see if Lesile was at his church. I walked over- and on the way I met some cute little kids who kept calling me "white girl"- i'm guessing I looked extremely out of place in the neighborhood. Once I reached Holy Family I realized the church was locked up. Two drunk guys were drinking out of bottles "hidden" in paper bags on the front steps, and were very kind to me. I felt alright in the neighborhood- pretty fearless, actually. I may have been naive to feel that little fear, but I always trust that God doesn't give us the spirit of fear, and where He calls, I follow. Anyways, I went around back and found a little parking lot and a man working on a car with two cute little kids. The man came up and asked if I was looking for someone, and when I asked for Lesile, he said he wasn't in that day. I ended up talking to the man for a half-hour. His name was Chris, and he had recently got out of jail and was waiting around for his probation officer. Chris was hoping when his met his probation officer they would help him get a license so he could eventually drive the car he was working on and then find a job outside of Cabrini. At the time, Chris was unemployed, but (PRAISE GOD) had found hope in Jesus (big smile from me) and was cleaning up his life. Chris's girlfriend was a heroin addict (much like Chris used to be) and he told her she had until the end of his probation to get cleaned up or Chris was going to move on from her. I was so proud of this man standing in front of me- he was dirty from the car grease but was so beautiful to me. We talked a little more about Chris's past and his current struggle with finding a job- especially since all the employers in the neighborhood knew him as an addict and drug dealer. I trusted Chris, through, and we eventually hugged goodbye and I was on my way.

Chris gave me advice on the best way out of the neighborhood, which was on down the street and around the corner- which meant going straight around "hell's playground". I had heard about hell's playground before. It was a playground and field between two of the Cabrini buildings and was a frequent location of shootings. It got the name "hell's playground" because sometimes kids playing on the playground would get caught in the cross-fire of the shooting that went on there. I was on the sidewalk across the street from the field on my walk out, and had passed a few people who took little notice of me, when I heard a bang in the field. Since it was close to the 4th, I assumed it was a firework, but I looked over to see another bang go off from a kid running with a gun. I watched 4 kids, who looked like 8th or 9th graders, shoot at each other and start running in opposite directions. There were a few other kids involved who where running, too. I froze and watched. I wasn't really scared because no one was shooting in my direction and all the other people on the sidewalk didn't seem to take much notice. Someone I had just passed on the sidewalk yelled to me to "just keep walking" so I did. I walked and watched the blasts. No one seemed to get hurt and some of the kids on the playground didn't even run away when the shooting started. I taken aback- this must be such a common thing in Cabrini that people barely flinch when it happens.

So I was a little shook-up but made it the next 10 minute walk out of Cabrini. The whole time I was listening for police sirens but never heard any. Did anyone call 911 or did they just let it go? Once I was out of the projects I took a deep breath of disbelief and thanked God for His PROTECTION. (God is good!)

I jumped on the El and went down to the South-Side of the loop because I knew there was a Barnes and Noble down there. I LOVE Barnes and Noble. I'm not a big shopper at all (I actually detest it most of the time- especially the mall) but Barnes and Noble is my sanctuary- i just love books and big chairs and Starbucks Cafes. Anyways, I was starving at this point and thirsty from walking around in the heat, so I went into the busiest McDonalds of my life. This place was crazy-busy inside! I stood in line forever and eventually got a shake and fries (mmmm) and found a place to sit and journal and eat. Mariah Carey's "Fly Like a Bird" was on and I was surprised by her new gospel-ish lyrics. "I need You now Lord. Carry me high. Don't let the world break me tonight. I need the strength of You by my side. Sometimes this life can be so cold. I pray You'll come and carry me home. Keep your head to the sky. With God's love you'll survive." God shows up in interesting places sometimes, like out of Mariah Carey's mouth, but I'm very thankful for the message in McD's none the less :)

A women came up and sat across from me while I was writing and asked, "Can you get me a burger?" I said "sure... would you like to share some fries with me while I finish my shake?" She dug her fingers into the fries; they were black with dirt. She spoke in broken english and eventually shared her name. When I asked her if she had a place to stay, she told me "I sleep in the jail at night. I just got out of penitentiary four days ago." I thought about the people she probably ate lunch with four days ago... We were almost through the fries when she asked me "why are you so nice to people?" I immediately smiled and thought of Jesus, but before I had the chance to respond, she said "a girl like you could be raped for being nice like that." I was caught completely off guard but realized the disgusting truth in her words. I left to stand in the long line again to get her a cheeseburger, but before I got to the front to order she had left, so I left McDonalds, too.

I went to Barnes and Noble, and instead of looking at books as I always do, I sat in the cafe by the window and people watched and wrote. For some reason I felt uneasy in my beautiful book-laden sanctuary so I took off.

I caught a bus up to Grant Park (that big grassy park on Lake Michigan across from Michigan Avenue- the one all the tourists know). Taste of Chicago was at Grant park and I walked through the hot crowds for awhile. I wondered what they all value in life.

By around 8 I was ready to see someone I knew again, so I wondered south a few blocks to "Dancing in the Park", a program that goes on at least every Saturday night. My other staff and I have gone down there on previous Saturday evenings to dance on an outdoor dance-floor to live music. This Saturday was Salsa, and sure enough, I found a few other staff dancing when I got there. In a city of over 3 million people, it is quite amazing to be able to simply track down your roommates without ever talking to them. I salsa danced for about an hour and enjoyed every moment of it- including the times when the other CSM staff would find random partners for me. I was having so much fun I would dance with just about anyone!

It was getting late and most of the staff was going to catch the El home, but Steve (another staff) was headed north quite a few blocks to visit one of his students from the week before. A girl in the group he was leading had a chronic disease that had acted up, and she ended up in a hospital downtown. I offered to walk with him and Steve and I ended up visiting this girl and her parents around 10 that night. For some reason I really like hospitals, so I was glad to go. This girl had spent about a year in the hospital the week before and was very disappointed that her mission trip had to be cut short because of her disease, but she was so so so thankful to go in the first place. Wow, this high school girl was so strong and courageous, and I was simply glad to have met her.

By the time Steve and I had caught the El and made it home it was about11 pm. My adventure was over, but God used the day to teach me and show me so so so many things. I am so glad He constantly walked with me and protected me.

God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good. :)