here i am once again

Here I am,
once again
I pour out my heart
For I know that you hear
Every cry
You are listening
No matter what state my heart is in

You are faithful to answer
With words that are true
And a hope that is real
As I feel your touch
You bring a freedom
To all that's within
In the safety of this place
I'm longing to ...

Pour out my heart
To say that I love you
Pour out my heart
To say that I need you
Pour out my heart
To say that I'm thankful
Pour out my heart
To say that you're wonderful

can't stop thinking about anthony

I guess yesterday was a big day, but it didn't feel like it for some reason. Yesterday morning at about 11 I found out, after 5 long weeks of working on it, that I FINALLY got everything worked out to go to North Park in the Spring. So there it is:

I'm going to North Park University in Chicago in the Spring to major in Youth Ministry.

After I got things worked out between professors to find out about those last few gliches, I was running really late to leave for UW-Madison. I am going to be a full-time student there this fall, filling a last few general education requirements for North Park. I brought up a car-load of stuff for my new apartment and saw my roommates Jenn and Lindsey for the first time in over three months. I have only spent one day with Jenn since last Christmas break; she spent all last semester studying-abroad in New Zealand, and our paths only crossed for one day before I left for Chicago. Our new apartment is beautiful and I'm so excited about living with Lindsey and Jenn, and my roommate Kristen when she is around (she's working full-time this semester in an engineering co-op). At the same time, it's hard. It's a new place and a new situation from this summer, and probably by the time I get used to it, I'll be packing back up again and leaving for Chicago. But I know that for now, I need to stop looking ahead to Christmas break, and just really enjoy my last semester at Madison. Between only taking 12 credits, living in an amazing apartment with some amazing girls, living only 2 houses from Mike, and being involved in some exciting ministries (woooo-whooo UGC!) I think this may be my best semester yet at school.

(is this blog boring? I feel like it is)

So onto Anthony... Last night I drove home from Madison alone at around 9pm, and after stopping to get gas, I accidentally went in the wrong direction a ways, and then ended up driving through Cottage Grove and finally got back to 94-east towards Milwaukee. So my ride home was extra long last night, and gave me a lot of time to think about Anthony.

Anthony is a little 2-year-old boy at CCO (Cornerstone Community Outreach), a shelter that I helped teach VBS at this summer and served dinner at about once a week. When he was in the VBS class, he quickly became one of my favorite little kids ever. Anthony was always sweet and polite and never got angry. Most of the other kids at CCO have very quick tempers, even at young ages, due to their stressful living environment, so Anthony stuck out. He would always smile at me, and ask me for a ball. Most two year olds probably have more toys than they could ever get to playing with, and all little Anthony wanted was a ball. Luckily another CSM group had left one behind, so I brought it with me to CCO one day and stuck his name on it in big permanent marker. (I knew another kid would claim it as their own if I didn't.) And he always wanted someone to toss the ball back and forth with. And he would let other kids join in the game and play with his ball, too, until then ran off with it... and then, with his big cute eyes, he'd look up at me with this sincerely sad face and say, "ball?" But he never got mad or fought to get his ball back, and when he did, he would never hesitate to share it once again.

I miss anthony

ignorance and action (or lack thereof)

I used to believe that ignorance was one of the major problems in this world. Ignorance caused hatred, racism, injustice, complacency... I used to think "if they only knew!" Education and information could fight the biggest problems in this world- war, AIDS, drugs, poverty. One of my high school friends and I were in Model United Nations together, and in any mock debates about world issues, we would always want to argue the same solution: "Kill all the stupid people and we won't have to deal with this problem anymore!" (Clearly that solution has some problems of it's own, but you get the idea.)

And then I learned that education was not enough. I saw that some of the wisest people were the least educated. Many homeless people I have met on the street have been far more profound and wise than many college-educated adults that I know. There are people who barely made it through grade-school and have a clearer picture of how the world works than some with Master's degrees. Education isn't the answer- life experience and perspective are also needed to have the wisdom to replace the ignorance in this world. Just because someone has a college degree doesn't mean they are any wiser than someone who doesn't. Worse off, the people with the degree tend to have more pride... and pride leads to more ignorance. I've met a whole lot of prideful people who have completely lost the ability to learn and grow because they are so stubborn and self-confident that they already know everything important there is to know. They become close-minded and talk a whole lot more than they care to listen and learn.

And then I met Christians- I have been since I'm become one. After getting involved in Christian ministries and missions, I have Christian friends everywhere in my life, and all over the country, too. Now maybe you guess that I am somehow going to twist this into some "become a Christian so you won't be ignorant any more". I suppose I could, but that isn't my point for now. I merely want to use many Christian friends of mine (and myself also) as an example of how education and perspective and experience still aren't enough to fight the major plagues of this planet. So many Christians know so so so much about the bible, about Christian doctrine, about theology, about how Christians should live out their faith, and about Jesus... but there is a huge gap between what we know and how we act. I guess I could give examples of this gap, but you all probably have a few of your own.

So, that is my conclusion. Sometimes the problem is ignorance, sometimes it's perspective, but most often, it is lack of action. We can talk the talk but not walk the walk.

Our words and our actions should say the same things, and if they don't, actions are probably telling the truth.

oh madison, how i love/hate you

This article is from CNN. com on August 24, 2005:

The No. 1 Party College Is...
...the University of Wisconsin, Madison.

That's the word from the Princeton Review's annual college rankings based on a 70-question survey completed by 110,000 students on 361 campuses nationwide. And while all college administrators vie to have their school be considered the one with the best undergraduate academic experience--top honors go to Reed College in Portland, Oregon--or the happiest students--that would be Stanford University--none of them want the title of No. 1 party school. That designation is made based on the answers to questions about the amount of alcohol and drug consumption, the amount of time students spend studying and the popularity of fraternities and sororities.

Conscientious grown-ups, namely university presidents, medical experts and parents who pay hefty tuition bills to these schools, deride this particular ranking as irresponsible and unscientific. Meanwhile, students cheer when their school is recognized as a party-hearty place to be. That's exactly what happened at Wisconsin-Madison, especially since this dubious honor follows a 10-year effort by the school to reduce its reputation for heavy drinking.

UW-Madison Chancellor John Wiley told The Associated Press that he has dismissed the report as "junk science that results in a day of national media coverage." Meanwhile, Eric Varney, chair of the Associated Students of Madison, said most students will take pride in the ranking, especially since U.S. News & World Report ranked UW-Madison No. 34 among national universities. "It just shows that we work hard, but we play hard also," Varney told AP.

LET ANOTHER SCHOOL-YEAR BEGIN!

run!

I have this intense feeling to "just keep moving." If I keep myself insanely busy over the next few weeks, maybe the transition home will go smoothly. Maybe in all the business I can drown my feelings. Maybe I can forget about his summer by just throwing myself into the present.

But no, that's not the answer.

God is in the stillness, not the business.
"Be still, and know that I am God" ~Psalm 46:10

so i'm home

I got home from Chicago today....
I started out the day going with Keysha (my director aka. boss from CSM) to drop off Hannah (my last remaining CSM roommate) at Midway airport. I went to church with Keysha and then helped her with children's church (gotta love those 4 and 5 year olds) and then went back to the CSM office, packed up, and moved on out. My dad and sister came into town for the weekend and they drove me home.

IS IT REALLY OVER?
It kinda seems like a dream.

Jesus traveled so much and met and loved and served so many people. Once he was doing ministry, he never really had a permenant home...

So how did he do it? How did Jesus keep saying goodbye to so many people that he loved, knowing the whole time he may never see these people again while on earth? How did he keep moving on?

GOD IS ETERNAL, EVER-PRESENT, AND NEVER CHANGING
Jesus had his Father in heaven

and so do i
(but it still hurts)

enough?

It's 1:00 am and I'm awake trying to make a few CD's of all the CSM staff's pictures from this summer for Hannah and I. It's going to be a late night! So I decided to take a moment and blog now that I'm awake and all alone waiting for a CD to record.

I am starting to develop an obsession for the word "enough". I think about "enough" a lot in different layers of my life. Most often I feel like I am not enough- for other people, for myself, for the crazy things I have gotten myself commited to, and worst off, for God. And I can always reason with myself and say "you are enough" or tell myself a nice "whoever you are is enough", but in the back of my mind I still realize I have fallen terribly terribly short of being enough of anything for anyone (including God).
And I also lament over wondering if God is enough. He must be, right? I can say with my mouth, "God is more than enough for me". It's even in one of my favorite worship songs "Enough". (There goes that word again.) But do I really trust it? Do I really truely believe that God is more than enough for me? No. I can say it over and over because I know it is true with my head, but my heart just hasn't realized it yet.
When a person's words and a person's actions don't line up, look at the person's actions, because most of the time actions tell the truth before words. I can easily lie with my mouth or say what I believe without really truely believing it, but unless my actions support my words, my words are lies. So, since I don't live like God is more than enough for me, I know that deep in my heart I don't believe it. I'm trying to seek God's enough-ness and trust in it, but for now I can only proclaim it with my mouth and not my life.

So all this "enough-ness" talk brings me to the song "Let that be Enough" by Switchfoot:

I wish I had what I need
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that
You hear me
Let me know
Your touch
Let me know that
You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could now
I was born this
Thursday 22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that
You hear me
Let me know
Your touch
Let me know that
You love me
And let that be enough

a little light summer reading

When I was little (and by little, I mean 5th, 6th grade) I had already established myself as a completely nerdy girl who would rather read than hang out with her friends sometimes. One of my favorite times to read was on camping trips, and my family LOVED camping vacations. We swore off hotels and instead opted for hole-in-the-ground-style-toilet-campgrounds ("the only real camping" as my parents would say). I loved camping vacations because there was never very much to do. Sure, in the heat of the day there was always swimming at the beach or fishing from the canoe, but for most of the day I could just sit and read. My family would take camping trips with my aunts and uncles and cousins, and to this day I could remember being nagged by several cousins at once because I would rather read than go exploring or looking for fun in the woods.

Not much has changed in the past 10, 11 years. I still LOVE to read, and in my free time I pick up anything with words in it. So here is my summer reading list:

-Our America (the story of two 13 year old boys who grew up in the projects in Chicago)
-Kingdom Works (stories from an urban missionary in Philidelphia)
-Theirs is the Kingdom (short stories about urban missions- really really good!)
-Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? (***one of my favorites***)
-Messy Spirituality (by Yaconelli- one of my favorite authors)
-The Smell of Sin and the Fresh Air of Grace (i'm still floored by this one! this will hit you like a
brick to the head)
-Real Hope in Chicago (the story of the Lawndale Com. Church in Chicago)
-Adventures in Missing the Point (this book articulates a lot of how I think, so if you read it, let
me know if you agree or disagree with the authors' points)
-In the Name of Jesus (a Nouwen classic)
-Cost of Discipleship (ok, so I couldn't make it all the way through this one, but it made me
think!)
-Hurt (one of, if not the, best books I have ever read about teenagers- if you work with them, like hanging around them, or ever plan on having them, read this book!)

I may be missing one or two, but that is the bulk of them. If you can only read one, I recommend "Adventures in Missing the Point" or "Why are all the Black Kids..." (if you are interested in racial issues) or "Hurt" (if you care about teens)

Note:
After I have just gone on and on about how many books I've read and what I've liked, I must note that I don't entirely agree with all my own reading habits. I have begun to learn that reading all these books about Christianity or Christian Spirituality can be a bad thing. First off, if I am spending all this time reading about Christianity I am not (1) out in the world practicing my faith and instead glued to the pages of some book, and (2) I am spending time that I could spend reading my bible reading other things. Christian books are adding layer upon layer upon layer to what it means to be Christian and they are continuing to promote the Christian culture, when truely following Christ would call us to go right back to the source- the Bible. We keep adding Christian thought (all produced by people) to the religious mix instead of going strait for the good stuff- God's thought. I think Christians go un-checked in their reading habits.

Are books about Christian Spirituality a good thing when we have the Bible?

Clearly, i'm still trying to figure it out.

the end is near and change is here

Wow, I can't believe the end is almost here! I finished hosting yesterday at 1 pm when my group left. There are only 3 other hosts left in the city, so are crew of 14 originals is seriously depeleted. The other three are hosting until Saturday morning, and then we're all going home this weekend. I have loved this summer, and have become seriously comfortable here. Not in the complacent way, but in the way that I know this job just "fits" who I am. I love this city, the ministry, working with youth, and living with so many other amazing people. I could go on forever about what I love about CSM, but it's about time to say good-bye soon enough. I'm not planning on finishing this blog off once I get home; I want to continue reflecting on this summer, what I've learned and experienced, and how it affects how I live and think once I'm back in Madison. I know I have grown, learned, and changed this summer, but I don't think I will ever realize how much I have until I go back to Madison, the place I left at the begining of the summer.

Whew, just as I said at the begining of summer, I love that no matter where I go or how I change, Jesus is always right there by my side and never-changing. BEAUTIFUL!

So, a short little preview and perhaps a big surprise to many of you:
I may be transfering to North Park University (here on the North-side of Chicago) for the upcoming Spring semester. Yes, it has been an amazing (and stressful) experience over the past five weeks since I went to the admissions office on a complete whim to see if I could graduate from North Park in 3 semesters. I am still trying to figure out if I can graduate from North Park in three semesters. These past few weeks have been an adventure in trusting God. As I have thrown my time, energy, almost all of my free-time (hence the lack of blog-entries), and most importantly, my heart, into the mere possiblity of North Park, I have had to trust God more and more. Is this a rash decision or a clear call from my Most High? I have continually pushed ahead through the many many many barriers to not only transfering schools, but to turn my life in a new direction yet again.

THIS PATTERN KEEPS REPEATING

so i turn and i turn and i turn

and God keeps calling me in new directions
trust in Him
expect that He has the best plans in mind for you
and as soon as He calls you in a direction
RUN (not away, but towards that direction)

you never know what God is going to call you to next!

i wait- though not in vain

This feeling
Is rising up out of my gut
Consuming me
I can neither sit down nor stand nor walk around
Without feeling this intense will within me to move
“RUN! GO!”
It says
Burning like I am about to throw up
And clawing as if I haven’t eaten in days and I am starving to death
My mind races
Swirls
I try to write things down
and think logically for a moment
Each thought brings waves of others
Until they are all lapping upon each other
In a whirlpool in my mind
It sucks downward
And I wish my irrational thoughts would go into the black hole
But they stay afloat as any light
Gets whisked away
I know what I feel
Consuming stress
The same consuming stress felt a thousand times before
By billions of people everywhere
For the past trillion years
That same stress
When all my efforts seem hopeless
Against the world that crushes in around me
And a voice from deep within me cries out
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
Perplexed, but not in despair”
I repeat the words
Louder and louder
Trusting in the power of the Word
But as soon as my lips fall still
The thoughts rush back in
Like a tide sweeping the shores
Where is the power in the name?
Can God’s word not even quiet the thoughts within my mind?
A psychological battle is being fought
And I cannot gain ground
Every move forward leaves me retreating back
The ache in my stomach grows stronger
As I realize my attempts to quiet the storm
Are futile
My soul squirms and fights
And I cry out
“Find rest oh my soul in God alone,
My hope comes from Him.”
I yell, scream, and beg
My soul to fall silent
If only for a moment
I am weak and tired
And have no energy left to wait upon my hero
The Lord
Where does my help come from?
I look towards the hills,
But remain alone
It is not a matter of who
I know my hero
I know He is faithful
I trust in Him
He will keep His promises
?
But when
When
When
Will my hero finally rush in
And save me from certain death
The walls are closing in
And all efforts to hold them back…
Closer
Closer
Closer
They creep in
Chanting “time is running out”
And I wail back
Through tears of despair
“Those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength”
I wait
Yet the strength to hold my ground falters
I try to run
But know there is only HIM
Or death
I wait
I wait
I wait
Did He not promise me?
Am I rudely wrong?
Have I made a tragic mistake?
Was my hero never to rescue me?
I wait
The fighting in my belly
And the battle in my mind
Rise up
Only second to the terror in my eyes
Behind a mask of
Swelling tears

I wait

a pair of classic reeboks

This past week I learned the significance of a pair of classic reeboks... well, make that two pairs. This past week I hosted a group from the east-coast of Canada with Hannah (one of my favorite CSM-staffers!) Our morning site was Cornerstone Community Outreach, or as we call it, CCO. CCO is in the Uptown neighborhood of Chicago, which is the neighborhood with the most visable homeless of the whole city. CCO is located in Clifton Alley, but to the people of Uptown, they know it as Blood Alley. Blood Alley used to be dark and narrow, and therefore the site of many beatings, drug deals... you get the picture. When CCO moved in, it brought light into the alley, both literally and figuratively. It brought in big street lights to make the alley safer, and it also brought in the light of Christ with the CCO ministry. CCO houses about 160 women and children- and all families. I have worked at CCO about once a week this summer, helping serve dinner there. After dinner, the group I am hosting plays with the kids at CCO in a playground on the roof. The playground is locked almost all the time, so the chance for the kids to go outside and play is very exciting for them. I have been starting to get to know the CCO kids through my once-a-week visits, but this last week I spent every morning at CCO and got to really know them. The kids either live in single bedroom "apartments" with their whole family, or in a group living area. The "apartments" are one room- maybe 15 x 15 feet, with no windows and concrete walls. The families have all their belongings in the one room, and generally the floor is covered with mattresses- sometimes not enough for everyone so the kids have to share. The rooms look like prison cells to me. The other kids live with their mothers or grandmothers in a big living area, which is one big room with bunk beds. There is just row after crowded row of bunk beds. Families try to make themselves an "area" by hanging sheets off their bunkbeds for some privacy and stacking their belongings on either side of the area in-between bunks so they have a little room. The family room is always loud, because there are always kids running around and babies crying and women yelling. The family room is a zoo.

The group I hosted was leading Vacation Bible School (VBS) for the kids from 9:30-12:00 every morning, and then we'd stick around to help serve lunch and eat with the families. Every day about 40 kids from CCO, ages 2 to 14 would come downstairs to the small recreation room we used as a classroom. There were many more 3, 4, 5 year olds than 12, 13, or 14 year olds. Every child was African American, except for a family of 5 children who were Latino. Clearly institutional racism had a hand in landing families in CCO. The kids were awesome! I loved the 40 CCO kids. They were beautiful and sweet and quick to love and hug and cling and befriend you. I quickly learned their names and tried to give them all attention. Being at CCO wasn't all fun and games and love and community. The kids fought and punched, bit and swore. They had quick-tempers and didn't hesitate to initiate a fight. After seeing their living situation, it was easy to see why. These kids are growing up in extremely stressful situations, and for them, there is no escape. They can't go out and play in the back-yard or walk down the street to their friend's house, so they are locked within the CCO prison most of the day. During my week at CCO I was bit, punched, pushed, and yelled at. Did I care? Not a bit.

Two of my favorite trouble-makers were 5-year-old twins, Shawn and DeShawn. These kids were smart, and knew how to get their way. They bossed around kids far older than them, cried if I threatened to kick them out, and were very very proud of their new black classic reeboks. The boys wore the same outfits down to VBS every day last week, and wore their new shoes, too. With kids who have so little, a sweet pair of shoes meant the world to them. At any given time, they would be balancing on one leg to raise the other and show off their new shoes. They had a little hop in their step as they walked around in those shoes.

I never realized how important a small black pair of classic reeboks could be, but now I know.

disclaimer

Hey ya'll. I just have a short public service announcement for you all! I have been a complete slacker on calling people or returning phone calls. In the past few days I have said good-bye to the majority of the CSM staff and have moved apartments, so my free time at night has been spent moving and packing, cleaning, and spending time with people I may never see again. I'm also a little tired cuz I've been working 70 hours a week since late May, and it's getting harder to spend my free time on the phone when I just really need some time to myself to re-fuel for the next day. I'll be home on August 21st and desperately lonely after spending the entire summer with at least 4 people around me at all times, so I will be able to talk to you all on the phone then! For now, I hope you can all understand my inconsistency with phone calls. Forgive me?

I hope you all are enjoying the final days of your own summers. Much love!

Eph 6:14-17

Last Thursday I sat in the CSM office reciting 10 verses I had memorized to one of my directors, Taylor. I had never really intentionally memorized verses before, but for a $15 gift certificate to Borders, I would do just about anything. The easiest verse for me to remember was the longest one, and it goes like this:

Stand firm, and fasten the belt of truth around your waist, and put on the breastplate of righteousness. As shoes for your feet put on whatever will make you ready to proclaim the gospel of peace. With all of these, take the shield of faith, with which you will be able to quench all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

When I first memorized it, it didn't mean much to me. And I'll be honest, it still doesn't. I know these verses hold so much more meaning than my faith or experience can even begin to explore. What does it mean to use God's word as a sword? Have I scared anyone with it? Hurt anyone? Killed anyone? No. How am I supposed to use God's word as a sword? I know that for now I am like a blind knight trying to fight- I have a vague idea of what I'm supposed to do, but no aim.

(FAST FORWARD) I am sitting in New Life Community Church on Chicago's North-side with Johny, Mackay (my roomie), and Ryan. I had just said goodbye to Nathan, one of the other CSM hosts. I knew by the end of the day Danielle and Adam would be gone, also. My chances of seeing them again? Pretty slim. I was missing Ashley again (still am) but trying to cherish all the final time with the rest of the staff. The pastor (an intense 20-something hip Korean guy) gets up to preach, and up on the overhead comes the verses...

Stand firm, and fasten the belt of truth around your waist, and put on the breastplate of righteousness. As shoes for your feet put on whatever will make you ready to proclaim the gospel of peace. With all of these, take the shield of faith, with which you will be able to quench all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

The sermon? Spiritual warfare. What is God preparing us for? War... a battle... The pastor does his best to balance practical life with the spiritual-realm and explain spiritual warfare. The whole church nodded in agreement as he explained that spiritual warfare is an extremely practical sermon topic because it can invade every part of your practical life. Relationships taking a turn for the worst for no apparent reason, people having unreasonable grudges against you at work, irrational feelings, emotions, and ideas swirling in your head that you can't get rid of... spiritual warfare shows up all over our lives, and when it is going on, many of us are unaware of the battle going on just below our radar. We think "it's us" or "it's them", always blaming our own faults or others before even starting to consider our worst enemy... the devil. And the pastor goes on... if you are really trying to follow Jesus, it is going to be a FIGHT. As soon as you try to follow Jesus, the devil slaps a big bulls-eye on your forehead and you become a moving target. Not experiencing any battle? Maybe you aren't moving and the devil already has you right where he wants you- complacent.

So I look around my life and start seeing the battle...

sometimes i hurt
sometimes i cry
sometimes i hear a resounding "you're not good enough" repeating in my head
sometimes i feel like dirt
sometimes i want to fall to the ground and surrender (aka. give up)
sometimes i want to scream "this isn't fair" or "this isn't right"
sometimes i want to care more about myself than my neighbor
sometimes i get scared
sometimes i feel regret
sometimes i am too weary to put up a fight

but these are all just "sometimes"

all the time...

i want to love God all the time
i want to praise Him all the time
i want to love my neighbors all the time
i want to fight the battle with His armor all the time
i want to grow all the time
i want to reflect Him all the time

Notice it says "i want to"- does it mean that I do? No, but I'm trying and I want to. I know I don't always win the battle... but i want to.

Right now? I hurt. I want to cry. I want to scream at the injustice I see around me. I hate myself for the places I fail. I fall so short of fully trusting God with my future. Hell, I even hate the computer I am writing on. (You know how many starving children could be fed for the price of this thing?!?) But I also love Jesus, so the hate and the hurt and the guilt have got to go. Jesus is love, not hate. Jesus is redemption, not guilt. Jesus is healing, not hurt.

I'm suiting up for the battle.

Peace out.

last week, this weekend, and...

Last week was the best week yet! I hosted a group of 55 students and adults from Southern Cali (just north of LA). The students were all in high school or early college, and the week was amazing. After spending all but one week with middle-school students this summer, switching to a week of high school students was so refreshing. I love middle-schoolers, but it was so nice to spend a week without pulling teeth to try to start a significant conversation. I saw Jesus so much in this group. The entire week I literally heard no complaining what-so-ever. When does that ever happen?!? I saw a team of 55 that loved and cared for each other. They worked well together, encouraged each other, and got to know those they weren't close to... they were the body of Christ as the church should be. The leaders were laid-back (cali-style), caring, fun, and adventurous. I spent a long time talking to the Youth Pastor about youth ministry and learned so so so much. He's been a youth pastor for 14 years now, and still loves it, which is very clear in the way he works with his students. The week reminded me of all the reasons I want to go into youth ministry, and it definitely re-sparked my motivation to pursue it. In my mind, there is no question of what I want to do with my life, and that is youth ministry. I love doing it, reading about it, talking about it, thinking about it.... i could go on but i won't ;). I saw God work in this group. Every lesson that I could ever want a group to learn while in Chicago, they learned. They learned about their privledge and broke down stereotypes and fears. They learned that Christians need to actually be out in the community serving and loving people. They learned that their faith doesn't call them to be the "frozen chosen" but to be active kingdom-builders. They learned that they can show other people that they are Christians by their love for one another. They learned that the homeless, impoverished, and inner-city children are all not that different from themselves. They learned more about the importance of prayer and the power of a smile or a hug.

This weekend was "closing ceremonies" for the summer. Between this morning and Tuesday, 7 of the summer staff are leaving. 2 more are leaving next weekend, and the last 4 of us are leaving the weekend after that. A lot of us had groups that stayed in the city through Saturday morning, then we spent all morning moving out of 9 apartments the groups had been using and cleaning them up. I have to move out of my own apartment by this upcoming Tuesday (i haven't starting- uh oh). I'm going to be moving into the office with 2 other staff who are staying longer- Hannah and Mackay. After several hours of moving and cleaning, we finally had time to slow-down and relax after the week, so I journaled outside for a few hours on North Park's campus. It was FINALLY not above 90 degrees so I could bare sitting in the sun. At 5, closing ceremonies started, and all the summer interns spent the evening going from one of the directors homes to another in a progressive dinner. We started out with drinks and activities at Taylor's, then dinner from MacArthurs at Keysha's (mmmm mmm soul-food), then dessert and relaxing at Jarret's. We got gifts, spent time remembering the summer, watched a staff-video (it's funny so I may just show it to you!), got sentimental, and in the CSM tradition, we ate until we felt sick.

Ok, so I have to run so their will be no "and...." part. bye ya'll!

ice cold water

So it's supposed to be 100 degrees here in the lovely city of Chicago today, and I am spending my day sweating because there is no air conditioning. It's alright though, cuz everybody else doesn't have AC either- so we are just a big sticky sweatin'-for-Jesus partay.

On these hottt days I enjoy a nice ICE COLD sip of water. Mmmm mmmm, it hits the spot. Hot water would probably kill me right now, and lukewarm water is just nasty. "Lukewarm"- does the day remind you of anything?

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. ~Rev 3:15-16

So what's my point? Well, I do spit lukewarm water out, but you know that's not all I'm saying. You gotta be hot or cold. There is no half-way. Half-way what, you ask? There is no half-way livin' for Jesus. Giving 100% of yourself to Jesus isn't even enough, so 50% sure isn't.

I am no where near 100% percent. There are so many relationships, moments, situations, experiences, days that I claim for myself. This is my life!... right? Well... no. I decided about a year and a half ago that my life isn't mine to claim. My time isn't mine. My future isn't mine. My money sure isn't mine. But I keep foolin' myself. In so many situations I claim my time, energy, and love for myself. And that's not the worst of it. By claiming my life for my own, I am only hurting myself. What's best for me is turning it all over for JC. He knows what's best, and livin' for Him is going to give me everything I need. So I fool myself into thinking that I can make the best decisions for me.

But time and time again I learn that when I do it HIS way, I am so much more blessed. Yet sometimes the lesson just doesn't stick... and I am selfish in choosing my own way.

I don't know where i'm going with this, but there is more to come...

DON'T BE LUKEWARM

questions

Where is God?

God is a great great mystery to me, and I like it that way. I find that the more truth I find about God, the more questions I have about Him. I find that every time I try to describe who God is, I am only limiting Him to my tiny vocabulary and knowledge, and God is so much greater and bigger than that. I cannot describe Him or His love- it is simply to great. So God continues to be a mystery, and answers only lead to more questions.

Somewhere along the lines, Christians got afraid to ask questions. Perhaps we were scared that if we asked enough questions we would eventually find an answer that contradicted or shattered what we believe. Perhaps we were scared that people would think less of our faith if we showed our doubt and lack-of-knowledge through our questions. Perhaps we were sick of hearing "I don't know why that is, but you just have to have faith that that is the answer."

I love love love people who ask questions, especially Christians who ask questions about their faith. What do I believe and why do I believe it? Why do I act this way- because other Christians tell me to or because I want to to glorify God? Do I just say I believe that or do I really really believe it in my heart? Christians who are willing to question their beliefs are actually displaying more faith than those who don't ask questions because they are afraid of the answer. If we believe in God, we must trust that no matter what question we ask, we will never recieve a truthful answer that pulls the rug out from under what we believe. Those who ruthlessly trust God can boldly ask questions about Him- questions about contradictions and about those confusing passages that always get skipped over.

The unquestioned faith becomes complacent and blind, and not much of a faith at all. Question the christian culture and instead seek Jesus' truth instead. Don't simply believe what you believe because your mother or brother or friend or roommate told you, but believe what you believe because you have seeked the truth for yourself. Know why you believe what you do and ask yourself, "What does it mean to believe what I do?" Faith without action is not faith at all. Believing in Jesus means following Jesus; they must go hand-in-hand.

ASK QUESTIONS