Mission Chicago

this is the end

2005-09-11T20:50:00.000-05:00

Ok, so it's been a while since I last wrote, and I finally decided that it's time to end this blog. As much as I enjoyed writing it, I also promised myself that it would only be a summer-thing to document my time with CSM in Chicago. To all of you who read this at some point this summer, i hope you enjoyed my crazy antics and jumbled thoughts.

I miss Chicago and our ministry sites there and the amazing sense of purpose I had every day. I miss the directors and the other AMAZING CSM staff. (click here to read about 'em) I miss who I was while working in Chicago, and I miss how much I got to live out my faith each and every day.

Being back isn't easy- not at all. For awhile I expected it would be, but I was fooled. But one thing I learned this summer is to always be optimistic and rejoice in every situation, because no matter how bad things get, God has blessed me way too much to dwell on the difficult parts of my life. So as I go on this semester, I plan on looking at the good in my life, holding on tight to the memories of this summer, and fighting to be the person I grew to be in Chicago and not compromise that here in Madison.

And with that, it's time to sign off from this blog forever with one of my favorite verses from this summer:

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. ~Psalm 62:5-6

Praise be to God for His blessings and faithfulness this summer! Continue praying for the city and people of Chicago.

Peace-out, Maria :)

a glimpse of the summer- part 2

2005-09-11T19:31:00.000-05:00

cafe victoria- 3 times a week!

CSM staff-ers on worship night

working hard in the staff lounge

anthony- my favorite little boy!

our directors- keysha, taylor, and jarret

a glimpse of the summer

2005-09-11T19:00:00.000-05:00

me and my summer roomie- Mackay (megan)

chillin' in the guy's apartment after a long day's work!

doing a little modeling in our spare-time

the beautiful skyline from the John Hancock building

some of my favorite girls in the world- the other CSM staff!

throwing a party in my livingroom for McKenny's 21st

ash and I sleeping on the backporch- it was a HOTT summer

all the staff on our weekend camping trip

pole dancing ;) on our week-end retreat!

ash and some kids at CCO

eyes

2005-09-05T14:05:00.000-05:00

So it's a little after the two-week mark since I have been done working in Chicago. It seems so much longer. How can the memories of something so amazing fade so fast? I hate the fact that memories fade. I wish God gave us the ability to remember everything we have ever done forever, so that when we wish, we can reach back into our memory and re-live those moments that made us happiest, taught us the most, and formed the person we are. I seem to always be looking ahead, but I wish I would stop and look back more often on all the experiences and people God has used to shape me and all those moments he spoke to me or showed me something. One thing from this summer that keeps coming back to me (to the point that it is annoying) is a poem we read while giving prayer tours of Chicago. It's called "Eyes", and despite the fact that I unwillingly memorized it after saying it week after week, I am half-heartedly glad I did. It's written by a homeless person in Chicago and was published in Streetwise, a newspaper sold by homeless licensed vendors. Part of each $1 spent on Streetwise goes back to the vendor so they can have a small income. So here it is...

Look me in the eyes at least,
when you pass me by on the street
whether or not you answer my plea for money:
my eyes are the poorest of me-
require only your two cents when we meet-
and are more in dire need of these than your feet.
my poor eyes! how they have spent the rent
trying to buy a pleasant remembrance
to throw up on my mind's screen when I finally tire
of going ungreeted, unseen.
I tell you what I want- what I feel
when you shuffle by behind your paper
trying to be discreet, sweating slightly
under your suit collar and looking down,
always down, as if I were your sin...
be absolved of the guilt trip! look at me!
make me a mint! shower me with riches!
give me a long look, and drown me in it!
dignity outlasts dollars.

There are 80,000 homeless people in Chicago in the course of a year and 15,000 on any given night. For those 15,000, there are only 6,500 shelter beds. 45% of homeless people are single men, but 40% are families with children. The saddest thing is that the average age of a homeless person in Chicago is only 9 years old. The leading causes are lack of affordable housing and the lack of decent jobs or a sufficinet income. It doesn't help that the city is tearing down all the projects.

nine... and homeless... can you even imagine?

this world

2005-09-02T15:02:00.000-05:00

So every sunday night and sometimes monday afternoon we gave a prayer tour of the city of chicago. We either went around the north side or the south side and showed groups the city- both the rich and the poor, the problems, the ministries and churches, the people... Students really got a chance to learn about the dynamics of Chicago and what really goes on in the city beyond Michigan Ave. shopping and the view from the Sears tower. The most powerful part of the prayer tour for me was the end of the South-side prayer tour. We go past a lot of the projects on the south side prayer tour and hear a lot about the problems of homelessness and segregation and other issues, but we end the prayer tour by traveling up Michigan Ave. and pointing out the disparity between the rich and the poor in the city. It is amazing how much disgust you feel towards Michigan Ave. after seeing the "rest" of the city and how people really live in Chicago. Unfortunately, not everyone can afford one of the 1.5 million dollar condo's of the "Gold Coast" or a $2000 handbag from Gucci on MI Ave. After driving over the Chicago River bridge, we play the students a song and let them reflect on what they've seen on the prayer tour. The lyrics are below, but if you haven't ever heard "This World" by Caedemon's Call, you should get ahold of a copy:

There's tarnish on the golden rule
And I wanna jump from this ship of fools
Show me a place where hope is young
And a people who aren't afraid to love

This world has nothing for me and this world has everything
All that I could want and nothing that I need

This world is making me drunk on the spirits of fear.
So when he says who will go, I am nowhere near.

This world has nothing for me and this world has everything
All that I could want and nothing that I need

And the least of these look like criminals to me So I leave Christ on the street

This world has held my hand and has led me into intolerance
But now I'm waking up, but now I'm breaking up
But now I'm making up for lost time

This world has nothing for me and this world has everything
All that I could want and nothing that I need

here i am once again

2005-08-29T00:24:00.000-05:00

Here I am,
once again
I pour out my heart
For I know that you hear
Every cry
You are listening
No matter what state my heart is in

You are faithful to answer
With words that are true
And a hope that is real
As I feel your touch
You bring a freedom
To all that's within
In the safety of this place
I'm longing to ...

Pour out my heart
To say that I love you
Pour out my heart
To say that I need you
Pour out my heart
To say that I'm thankful
Pour out my heart
To say that you're wonderful

can't stop thinking about anthony

2005-08-26T10:13:00.000-05:00

I guess yesterday was a big day, but it didn't feel like it for some reason. Yesterday morning at about 11 I found out, after 5 long weeks of working on it, that I FINALLY got everything worked out to go to North Park in the Spring. So there it is:

I'm going to North Park University in Chicago in the Spring to major in Youth Ministry.

After I got things worked out between professors to find out about those last few gliches, I was running really late to leave for UW-Madison. I am going to be a full-time student there this fall, filling a last few general education requirements for North Park. I brought up a car-load of stuff for my new apartment and saw my roommates Jenn and Lindsey for the first time in over three months. I have only spent one day with Jenn since last Christmas break; she spent all last semester studying-abroad in New Zealand, and our paths only crossed for one day before I left for Chicago. Our new apartment is beautiful and I'm so excited about living with Lindsey and Jenn, and my roommate Kristen when she is around (she's working full-time this semester in an engineering co-op). At the same time, it's hard. It's a new place and a new situation from this summer, and probably by the time I get used to it, I'll be packing back up again and leaving for Chicago. But I know that for now, I need to stop looking ahead to Christmas break, and just really enjoy my last semester at Madison. Between only taking 12 credits, living in an amazing apartment with some amazing girls, living only 2 houses from Mike, and being involved in some exciting ministries (woooo-whooo UGC!) I think this may be my best semester yet at school.

(is this blog boring? I feel like it is)

So onto Anthony... Last night I drove home from Madison alone at around 9pm, and after stopping to get gas, I accidentally went in the wrong direction a ways, and then ended up driving through Cottage Grove and finally got back to 94-east towards Milwaukee. So my ride home was extra long last night, and gave me a lot of time to think about Anthony.

Anthony is a little 2-year-old boy at CCO (Cornerstone Community Outreach), a shelter that I helped teach VBS at this summer and served dinner at about once a week. When he was in the VBS class, he quickly became one of my favorite little kids ever. Anthony was always sweet and polite and never got angry. Most of the other kids at CCO have very quick tempers, even at young ages, due to their stressful living environment, so Anthony stuck out. He would always smile at me, and ask me for a ball. Most two year olds probably have more toys than they could ever get to playing with, and all little Anthony wanted was a ball. Luckily another CSM group had left one behind, so I brought it with me to CCO one day and stuck his name on it in big permanent marker. (I knew another kid would claim it as their own if I didn't.) And he always wanted someone to toss the ball back and forth with. And he would let other kids join in the game and play with his ball, too, until then ran off with it... and then, with his big cute eyes, he'd look up at me with this sincerely sad face and say, "ball?" But he never got mad or fought to get his ball back, and when he did, he would never hesitate to share it once again.

I miss anthony

ignorance and action (or lack thereof)

2005-08-24T19:13:00.000-05:00

I used to believe that ignorance was one of the major problems in this world. Ignorance caused hatred, racism, injustice, complacency... I used to think "if they only knew!" Education and information could fight the biggest problems in this world- war, AIDS, drugs, poverty. One of my high school friends and I were in Model United Nations together, and in any mock debates about world issues, we would always want to argue the same solution: "Kill all the stupid people and we won't have to deal with this problem anymore!" (Clearly that solution has some problems of it's own, but you get the idea.)

And then I learned that education was not enough. I saw that some of the wisest people were the least educated. Many homeless people I have met on the street have been far more profound and wise than many college-educated adults that I know. There are people who barely made it through grade-school and have a clearer picture of how the world works than some with Master's degrees. Education isn't the answer- life experience and perspective are also needed to have the wisdom to replace the ignorance in this world. Just because someone has a college degree doesn't mean they are any wiser than someone who doesn't. Worse off, the people with the degree tend to have more pride... and pride leads to more ignorance. I've met a whole lot of prideful people who have completely lost the ability to learn and grow because they are so stubborn and self-confident that they already know everything important there is to know. They become close-minded and talk a whole lot more than they care to listen and learn.

And then I met Christians- I have been since I'm become one. After getting involved in Christian ministries and missions, I have Christian friends everywhere in my life, and all over the country, too. Now maybe you guess that I am somehow going to twist this into some "become a Christian so you won't be ignorant any more". I suppose I could, but that isn't my point for now. I merely want to use many Christian friends of mine (and myself also) as an example of how education and perspective and experience still aren't enough to fight the major plagues of this planet. So many Christians know so so so much about the bible, about Christian doctrine, about theology, about how Christians should live out their faith, and about Jesus... but there is a huge gap between what we know and how we act. I guess I could give examples of this gap, but you all probably have a few of your own.

So, that is my conclusion. Sometimes the problem is ignorance, sometimes it's perspective, but most often, it is lack of action. We can talk the talk but not walk the walk.

Our words and our actions should say the same things, and if they don't, actions are probably telling the truth.

oh madison, how i love/hate you

2005-08-24T09:51:00.000-05:00

This article is from CNN. com on August 24, 2005:

The No. 1 Party College Is...
...the University of Wisconsin, Madison.

That's the word from the Princeton Review's annual college rankings based on a 70-question survey completed by 110,000 students on 361 campuses nationwide. And while all college administrators vie to have their school be considered the one with the best undergraduate academic experience--top honors go to Reed College in Portland, Oregon--or the happiest students--that would be Stanford University--none of them want the title of No. 1 party school. That designation is made based on the answers to questions about the amount of alcohol and drug consumption, the amount of time students spend studying and the popularity of fraternities and sororities.

Conscientious grown-ups, namely university presidents, medical experts and parents who pay hefty tuition bills to these schools, deride this particular ranking as irresponsible and unscientific. Meanwhile, students cheer when their school is recognized as a party-hearty place to be. That's exactly what happened at Wisconsin-Madison, especially since this dubious honor follows a 10-year effort by the school to reduce its reputation for heavy drinking.

UW-Madison Chancellor John Wiley told The Associated Press that he has dismissed the report as "junk science that results in a day of national media coverage." Meanwhile, Eric Varney, chair of the Associated Students of Madison, said most students will take pride in the ranking, especially since U.S. News & World Report ranked UW-Madison No. 34 among national universities. "It just shows that we work hard, but we play hard also," Varney told AP.

LET ANOTHER SCHOOL-YEAR BEGIN!

run!

2005-08-22T11:58:00.000-05:00

I have this intense feeling to "just keep moving." If I keep myself insanely busy over the next few weeks, maybe the transition home will go smoothly. Maybe in all the business I can drown my feelings. Maybe I can forget about his summer by just throwing myself into the present.

But no, that's not the answer.

God is in the stillness, not the business.
"Be still, and know that I am God" ~Psalm 46:10

so i'm home

2005-08-21T19:31:00.000-05:00

I got home from Chicago today....
I started out the day going with Keysha (my director aka. boss from CSM) to drop off Hannah (my last remaining CSM roommate) at Midway airport. I went to church with Keysha and then helped her with children's church (gotta love those 4 and 5 year olds) and then went back to the CSM office, packed up, and moved on out. My dad and sister came into town for the weekend and they drove me home.

IS IT REALLY OVER?
It kinda seems like a dream.

Jesus traveled so much and met and loved and served so many people. Once he was doing ministry, he never really had a permenant home...

So how did he do it? How did Jesus keep saying goodbye to so many people that he loved, knowing the whole time he may never see these people again while on earth? How did he keep moving on?

GOD IS ETERNAL, EVER-PRESENT, AND NEVER CHANGING
Jesus had his Father in heaven

and so do i
(but it still hurts)

enough?

2005-08-20T01:04:00.000-05:00

It's 1:00 am and I'm awake trying to make a few CD's of all the CSM staff's pictures from this summer for Hannah and I. It's going to be a late night! So I decided to take a moment and blog now that I'm awake and all alone waiting for a CD to record.

I am starting to develop an obsession for the word "enough". I think about "enough" a lot in different layers of my life. Most often I feel like I am not enough- for other people, for myself, for the crazy things I have gotten myself commited to, and worst off, for God. And I can always reason with myself and say "you are enough" or tell myself a nice "whoever you are is enough", but in the back of my mind I still realize I have fallen terribly terribly short of being enough of anything for anyone (including God).
And I also lament over wondering if God is enough. He must be, right? I can say with my mouth, "God is more than enough for me". It's even in one of my favorite worship songs "Enough". (There goes that word again.) But do I really trust it? Do I really truely believe that God is more than enough for me? No. I can say it over and over because I know it is true with my head, but my heart just hasn't realized it yet.
When a person's words and a person's actions don't line up, look at the person's actions, because most of the time actions tell the truth before words. I can easily lie with my mouth or say what I believe without really truely believing it, but unless my actions support my words, my words are lies. So, since I don't live like God is more than enough for me, I know that deep in my heart I don't believe it. I'm trying to seek God's enough-ness and trust in it, but for now I can only proclaim it with my mouth and not my life.

So all this "enough-ness" talk brings me to the song "Let that be Enough" by Switchfoot:

I wish I had what I need
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that
You hear me
Let me know
Your touch
Let me know that
You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could now
I was born this
Thursday 22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that
You hear me
Let me know
Your touch
Let me know that
You love me
And let that be enough

a little light summer reading

2005-08-18T22:18:00.000-05:00

When I was little (and by little, I mean 5th, 6th grade) I had already established myself as a completely nerdy girl who would rather read than hang out with her friends sometimes. One of my favorite times to read was on camping trips, and my family LOVED camping vacations. We swore off hotels and instead opted for hole-in-the-ground-style-toilet-campgrounds ("the only real camping" as my parents would say). I loved camping vacations because there was never very much to do. Sure, in the heat of the day there was always swimming at the beach or fishing from the canoe, but for most of the day I could just sit and read. My family would take camping trips with my aunts and uncles and cousins, and to this day I could remember being nagged by several cousins at once because I would rather read than go exploring or looking for fun in the woods.

Not much has changed in the past 10, 11 years. I still LOVE to read, and in my free time I pick up anything with words in it. So here is my summer reading list:

-Our America (the story of two 13 year old boys who grew up in the projects in Chicago)
-Kingdom Works (stories from an urban missionary in Philidelphia)
-Theirs is the Kingdom (short stories about urban missions- really really good!)
-Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? (***one of my favorites***)
-Messy Spirituality (by Yaconelli- one of my favorite authors)
-The Smell of Sin and the Fresh Air of Grace (i'm still floored by this one! this will hit you like a
brick to the head)
-Real Hope in Chicago (the story of the Lawndale Com. Church in Chicago)
-Adventures in Missing the Point (this book articulates a lot of how I think, so if you read it, let
me know if you agree or disagree with the authors' points)
-In the Name of Jesus (a Nouwen classic)
-Cost of Discipleship (ok, so I couldn't make it all the way through this one, but it made me
think!)
-Hurt (one of, if not the, best books I have ever read about teenagers- if you work with them, like hanging around them, or ever plan on having them, read this book!)

I may be missing one or two, but that is the bulk of them. If you can only read one, I recommend "Adventures in Missing the Point" or "Why are all the Black Kids..." (if you are interested in racial issues) or "Hurt" (if you care about teens)

Note:
After I have just gone on and on about how many books I've read and what I've liked, I must note that I don't entirely agree with all my own reading habits. I have begun to learn that reading all these books about Christianity or Christian Spirituality can be a bad thing. First off, if I am spending all this time reading about Christianity I am not (1) out in the world practicing my faith and instead glued to the pages of some book, and (2) I am spending time that I could spend reading my bible reading other things. Christian books are adding layer upon layer upon layer to what it means to be Christian and they are continuing to promote the Christian culture, when truely following Christ would call us to go right back to the source- the Bible. We keep adding Christian thought (all produced by people) to the religious mix instead of going strait for the good stuff- God's thought. I think Christians go un-checked in their reading habits.

Are books about Christian Spirituality a good thing when we have the Bible?

Clearly, i'm still trying to figure it out.

the end is near and change is here

2005-08-18T20:31:00.000-05:00

Wow, I can't believe the end is almost here! I finished hosting yesterday at 1 pm when my group left. There are only 3 other hosts left in the city, so are crew of 14 originals is seriously depeleted. The other three are hosting until Saturday morning, and then we're all going home this weekend. I have loved this summer, and have become seriously comfortable here. Not in the complacent way, but in the way that I know this job just "fits" who I am. I love this city, the ministry, working with youth, and living with so many other amazing people. I could go on forever about what I love about CSM, but it's about time to say good-bye soon enough. I'm not planning on finishing this blog off once I get home; I want to continue reflecting on this summer, what I've learned and experienced, and how it affects how I live and think once I'm back in Madison. I know I have grown, learned, and changed this summer, but I don't think I will ever realize how much I have until I go back to Madison, the place I left at the begining of the summer.

Whew, just as I said at the begining of summer, I love that no matter where I go or how I change, Jesus is always right there by my side and never-changing. BEAUTIFUL!

So, a short little preview and perhaps a big surprise to many of you:
I may be transfering to North Park University (here on the North-side of Chicago) for the upcoming Spring semester. Yes, it has been an amazing (and stressful) experience over the past five weeks since I went to the admissions office on a complete whim to see if I could graduate from North Park in 3 semesters. I am still trying to figure out if I can graduate from North Park in three semesters. These past few weeks have been an adventure in trusting God. As I have thrown my time, energy, almost all of my free-time (hence the lack of blog-entries), and most importantly, my heart, into the mere possiblity of North Park, I have had to trust God more and more. Is this a rash decision or a clear call from my Most High? I have continually pushed ahead through the many many many barriers to not only transfering schools, but to turn my life in a new direction yet again.

THIS PATTERN KEEPS REPEATING

so i turn and i turn and i turn

and God keeps calling me in new directions
trust in Him
expect that He has the best plans in mind for you
and as soon as He calls you in a direction
RUN (not away, but towards that direction)

you never know what God is going to call you to next!

i wait- though not in vain

2005-08-15T17:34:00.000-05:00

This feeling
Is rising up out of my gut
Consuming me
I can neither sit down nor stand nor walk around
Without feeling this intense will within me to move
“RUN! GO!”
It says
Burning like I am about to throw up
And clawing as if I haven’t eaten in days and I am starving to death
My mind races
Swirls
I try to write things down
and think logically for a moment
Each thought brings waves of others
Until they are all lapping upon each other
In a whirlpool in my mind
It sucks downward
And I wish my irrational thoughts would go into the black hole
But they stay afloat as any light
Gets whisked away
I know what I feel
Consuming stress
The same consuming stress felt a thousand times before
By billions of people everywhere
For the past trillion years
That same stress
When all my efforts seem hopeless
Against the world that crushes in around me
And a voice from deep within me cries out
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
Perplexed, but not in despair”
I repeat the words
Louder and louder
Trusting in the power of the Word
But as soon as my lips fall still
The thoughts rush back in
Like a tide sweeping the shores
Where is the power in the name?
Can God’s word not even quiet the thoughts within my mind?
A psychological battle is being fought
And I cannot gain ground
Every move forward leaves me retreating back
The ache in my stomach grows stronger
As I realize my attempts to quiet the storm
Are futile
My soul squirms and fights
And I cry out
“Find rest oh my soul in God alone,
My hope comes from Him.”
I yell, scream, and beg
My soul to fall silent
If only for a moment
I am weak and tired
And have no energy left to wait upon my hero
The Lord
Where does my help come from?
I look towards the hills,
But remain alone
It is not a matter of who
I know my hero
I know He is faithful
I trust in Him
He will keep His promises
?
But when
When
When
Will my hero finally rush in
And save me from certain death
The walls are closing in
And all efforts to hold them back…
Closer
Closer
Closer
They creep in
Chanting “time is running out”
And I wail back
Through tears of despair
“Those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength”
I wait
Yet the strength to hold my ground falters
I try to run
But know there is only HIM
Or death
I wait
I wait
I wait
Did He not promise me?
Am I rudely wrong?
Have I made a tragic mistake?
Was my hero never to rescue me?
I wait
The fighting in my belly
And the battle in my mind
Rise up
Only second to the terror in my eyes
Behind a mask of
Swelling tears

I wait

a pair of classic reeboks

2005-08-14T13:45:00.000-05:00

This past week I learned the significance of a pair of classic reeboks... well, make that two pairs. This past week I hosted a group from the east-coast of Canada with Hannah (one of my favorite CSM-staffers!) Our morning site was Cornerstone Community Outreach, or as we call it, CCO. CCO is in the Uptown neighborhood of Chicago, which is the neighborhood with the most visable homeless of the whole city. CCO is located in Clifton Alley, but to the people of Uptown, they know it as Blood Alley. Blood Alley used to be dark and narrow, and therefore the site of many beatings, drug deals... you get the picture. When CCO moved in, it brought light into the alley, both literally and figuratively. It brought in big street lights to make the alley safer, and it also brought in the light of Christ with the CCO ministry. CCO houses about 160 women and children- and all families. I have worked at CCO about once a week this summer, helping serve dinner there. After dinner, the group I am hosting plays with the kids at CCO in a playground on the roof. The playground is locked almost all the time, so the chance for the kids to go outside and play is very exciting for them. I have been starting to get to know the CCO kids through my once-a-week visits, but this last week I spent every morning at CCO and got to really know them. The kids either live in single bedroom "apartments" with their whole family, or in a group living area. The "apartments" are one room- maybe 15 x 15 feet, with no windows and concrete walls. The families have all their belongings in the one room, and generally the floor is covered with mattresses- sometimes not enough for everyone so the kids have to share. The rooms look like prison cells to me. The other kids live with their mothers or grandmothers in a big living area, which is one big room with bunk beds. There is just row after crowded row of bunk beds. Families try to make themselves an "area" by hanging sheets off their bunkbeds for some privacy and stacking their belongings on either side of the area in-between bunks so they have a little room. The family room is always loud, because there are always kids running around and babies crying and women yelling. The family room is a zoo.

The group I hosted was leading Vacation Bible School (VBS) for the kids from 9:30-12:00 every morning, and then we'd stick around to help serve lunch and eat with the families. Every day about 40 kids from CCO, ages 2 to 14 would come downstairs to the small recreation room we used as a classroom. There were many more 3, 4, 5 year olds than 12, 13, or 14 year olds. Every child was African American, except for a family of 5 children who were Latino. Clearly institutional racism had a hand in landing families in CCO. The kids were awesome! I loved the 40 CCO kids. They were beautiful and sweet and quick to love and hug and cling and befriend you. I quickly learned their names and tried to give them all attention. Being at CCO wasn't all fun and games and love and community. The kids fought and punched, bit and swore. They had quick-tempers and didn't hesitate to initiate a fight. After seeing their living situation, it was easy to see why. These kids are growing up in extremely stressful situations, and for them, there is no escape. They can't go out and play in the back-yard or walk down the street to their friend's house, so they are locked within the CCO prison most of the day. During my week at CCO I was bit, punched, pushed, and yelled at. Did I care? Not a bit.

Two of my favorite trouble-makers were 5-year-old twins, Shawn and DeShawn. These kids were smart, and knew how to get their way. They bossed around kids far older than them, cried if I threatened to kick them out, and were very very proud of their new black classic reeboks. The boys wore the same outfits down to VBS every day last week, and wore their new shoes, too. With kids who have so little, a sweet pair of shoes meant the world to them. At any given time, they would be balancing on one leg to raise the other and show off their new shoes. They had a little hop in their step as they walked around in those shoes.

I never realized how important a small black pair of classic reeboks could be, but now I know.

disclaimer

2005-08-11T17:14:00.000-05:00

Hey ya'll. I just have a short public service announcement for you all! I have been a complete slacker on calling people or returning phone calls. In the past few days I have said good-bye to the majority of the CSM staff and have moved apartments, so my free time at night has been spent moving and packing, cleaning, and spending time with people I may never see again. I'm also a little tired cuz I've been working 70 hours a week since late May, and it's getting harder to spend my free time on the phone when I just really need some time to myself to re-fuel for the next day. I'll be home on August 21st and desperately lonely after spending the entire summer with at least 4 people around me at all times, so I will be able to talk to you all on the phone then! For now, I hope you can all understand my inconsistency with phone calls. Forgive me?

I hope you all are enjoying the final days of your own summers. Much love!

Eph 6:14-17

2005-08-08T14:32:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday I sat in the CSM office reciting 10 verses I had memorized to one of my directors, Taylor. I had never really intentionally memorized verses before, but for a $15 gift certificate to Borders, I would do just about anything. The easiest verse for me to remember was the longest one, and it goes like this:

Stand firm, and fasten the belt of truth around your waist, and put on the breastplate of righteousness. As shoes for your feet put on whatever will make you ready to proclaim the gospel of peace. With all of these, take the shield of faith, with which you will be able to quench all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

When I first memorized it, it didn't mean much to me. And I'll be honest, it still doesn't. I know these verses hold so much more meaning than my faith or experience can even begin to explore. What does it mean to use God's word as a sword? Have I scared anyone with it? Hurt anyone? Killed anyone? No. How am I supposed to use God's word as a sword? I know that for now I am like a blind knight trying to fight- I have a vague idea of what I'm supposed to do, but no aim.

(FAST FORWARD) I am sitting in New Life Community Church on Chicago's North-side with Johny, Mackay (my roomie), and Ryan. I had just said goodbye to Nathan, one of the other CSM hosts. I knew by the end of the day Danielle and Adam would be gone, also. My chances of seeing them again? Pretty slim. I was missing Ashley again (still am) but trying to cherish all the final time with the rest of the staff. The pastor (an intense 20-something hip Korean guy) gets up to preach, and up on the overhead comes the verses...

Stand firm, and fasten the belt of truth around your waist, and put on the breastplate of righteousness. As shoes for your feet put on whatever will make you ready to proclaim the gospel of peace. With all of these, take the shield of faith, with which you will be able to quench all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

The sermon? Spiritual warfare. What is God preparing us for? War... a battle... The pastor does his best to balance practical life with the spiritual-realm and explain spiritual warfare. The whole church nodded in agreement as he explained that spiritual warfare is an extremely practical sermon topic because it can invade every part of your practical life. Relationships taking a turn for the worst for no apparent reason, people having unreasonable grudges against you at work, irrational feelings, emotions, and ideas swirling in your head that you can't get rid of... spiritual warfare shows up all over our lives, and when it is going on, many of us are unaware of the battle going on just below our radar. We think "it's us" or "it's them", always blaming our own faults or others before even starting to consider our worst enemy... the devil. And the pastor goes on... if you are really trying to follow Jesus, it is going to be a FIGHT. As soon as you try to follow Jesus, the devil slaps a big bulls-eye on your forehead and you become a moving target. Not experiencing any battle? Maybe you aren't moving and the devil already has you right where he wants you- complacent.

So I look around my life and start seeing the battle...

sometimes i hurt
sometimes i cry
sometimes i hear a resounding "you're not good enough" repeating in my head
sometimes i feel like dirt
sometimes i want to fall to the ground and surrender (aka. give up)
sometimes i want to scream "this isn't fair" or "this isn't right"
sometimes i want to care more about myself than my neighbor
sometimes i get scared
sometimes i feel regret
sometimes i am too weary to put up a fight

but these are all just "sometimes"

all the time...

i want to love God all the time
i want to praise Him all the time
i want to love my neighbors all the time
i want to fight the battle with His armor all the time
i want to grow all the time
i want to reflect Him all the time

Notice it says "i want to"- does it mean that I do? No, but I'm trying and I want to. I know I don't always win the battle... but i want to.

Right now? I hurt. I want to cry. I want to scream at the injustice I see around me. I hate myself for the places I fail. I fall so short of fully trusting God with my future. Hell, I even hate the computer I am writing on. (You know how many starving children could be fed for the price of this thing?!?) But I also love Jesus, so the hate and the hurt and the guilt have got to go. Jesus is love, not hate. Jesus is redemption, not guilt. Jesus is healing, not hurt.

I'm suiting up for the battle.

Peace out.

last week, this weekend, and...

2005-08-07T08:35:00.000-05:00

Last week was the best week yet! I hosted a group of 55 students and adults from Southern Cali (just north of LA). The students were all in high school or early college, and the week was amazing. After spending all but one week with middle-school students this summer, switching to a week of high school students was so refreshing. I love middle-schoolers, but it was so nice to spend a week without pulling teeth to try to start a significant conversation. I saw Jesus so much in this group. The entire week I literally heard no complaining what-so-ever. When does that ever happen?!? I saw a team of 55 that loved and cared for each other. They worked well together, encouraged each other, and got to know those they weren't close to... they were the body of Christ as the church should be. The leaders were laid-back (cali-style), caring, fun, and adventurous. I spent a long time talking to the Youth Pastor about youth ministry and learned so so so much. He's been a youth pastor for 14 years now, and still loves it, which is very clear in the way he works with his students. The week reminded me of all the reasons I want to go into youth ministry, and it definitely re-sparked my motivation to pursue it. In my mind, there is no question of what I want to do with my life, and that is youth ministry. I love doing it, reading about it, talking about it, thinking about it.... i could go on but i won't ;). I saw God work in this group. Every lesson that I could ever want a group to learn while in Chicago, they learned. They learned about their privledge and broke down stereotypes and fears. They learned that Christians need to actually be out in the community serving and loving people. They learned that their faith doesn't call them to be the "frozen chosen" but to be active kingdom-builders. They learned that they can show other people that they are Christians by their love for one another. They learned that the homeless, impoverished, and inner-city children are all not that different from themselves. They learned more about the importance of prayer and the power of a smile or a hug.

This weekend was "closing ceremonies" for the summer. Between this morning and Tuesday, 7 of the summer staff are leaving. 2 more are leaving next weekend, and the last 4 of us are leaving the weekend after that. A lot of us had groups that stayed in the city through Saturday morning, then we spent all morning moving out of 9 apartments the groups had been using and cleaning them up. I have to move out of my own apartment by this upcoming Tuesday (i haven't starting- uh oh). I'm going to be moving into the office with 2 other staff who are staying longer- Hannah and Mackay. After several hours of moving and cleaning, we finally had time to slow-down and relax after the week, so I journaled outside for a few hours on North Park's campus. It was FINALLY not above 90 degrees so I could bare sitting in the sun. At 5, closing ceremonies started, and all the summer interns spent the evening going from one of the directors homes to another in a progressive dinner. We started out with drinks and activities at Taylor's, then dinner from MacArthurs at Keysha's (mmmm mmm soul-food), then dessert and relaxing at Jarret's. We got gifts, spent time remembering the summer, watched a staff-video (it's funny so I may just show it to you!), got sentimental, and in the CSM tradition, we ate until we felt sick.

Ok, so I have to run so their will be no "and...." part. bye ya'll!

ice cold water

2005-08-03T10:17:00.000-05:00

So it's supposed to be 100 degrees here in the lovely city of Chicago today, and I am spending my day sweating because there is no air conditioning. It's alright though, cuz everybody else doesn't have AC either- so we are just a big sticky sweatin'-for-Jesus partay.

On these hottt days I enjoy a nice ICE COLD sip of water. Mmmm mmmm, it hits the spot. Hot water would probably kill me right now, and lukewarm water is just nasty. "Lukewarm"- does the day remind you of anything?

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. ~Rev 3:15-16

So what's my point? Well, I do spit lukewarm water out, but you know that's not all I'm saying. You gotta be hot or cold. There is no half-way. Half-way what, you ask? There is no half-way livin' for Jesus. Giving 100% of yourself to Jesus isn't even enough, so 50% sure isn't.

I am no where near 100% percent. There are so many relationships, moments, situations, experiences, days that I claim for myself. This is my life!... right? Well... no. I decided about a year and a half ago that my life isn't mine to claim. My time isn't mine. My future isn't mine. My money sure isn't mine. But I keep foolin' myself. In so many situations I claim my time, energy, and love for myself. And that's not the worst of it. By claiming my life for my own, I am only hurting myself. What's best for me is turning it all over for JC. He knows what's best, and livin' for Him is going to give me everything I need. So I fool myself into thinking that I can make the best decisions for me.

But time and time again I learn that when I do it HIS way, I am so much more blessed. Yet sometimes the lesson just doesn't stick... and I am selfish in choosing my own way.

I don't know where i'm going with this, but there is more to come...

DON'T BE LUKEWARM

questions

2005-08-01T13:13:00.000-05:00

Where is God?

God is a great great mystery to me, and I like it that way. I find that the more truth I find about God, the more questions I have about Him. I find that every time I try to describe who God is, I am only limiting Him to my tiny vocabulary and knowledge, and God is so much greater and bigger than that. I cannot describe Him or His love- it is simply to great. So God continues to be a mystery, and answers only lead to more questions.

Somewhere along the lines, Christians got afraid to ask questions. Perhaps we were scared that if we asked enough questions we would eventually find an answer that contradicted or shattered what we believe. Perhaps we were scared that people would think less of our faith if we showed our doubt and lack-of-knowledge through our questions. Perhaps we were sick of hearing "I don't know why that is, but you just have to have faith that that is the answer."

I love love love people who ask questions, especially Christians who ask questions about their faith. What do I believe and why do I believe it? Why do I act this way- because other Christians tell me to or because I want to to glorify God? Do I just say I believe that or do I really really believe it in my heart? Christians who are willing to question their beliefs are actually displaying more faith than those who don't ask questions because they are afraid of the answer. If we believe in God, we must trust that no matter what question we ask, we will never recieve a truthful answer that pulls the rug out from under what we believe. Those who ruthlessly trust God can boldly ask questions about Him- questions about contradictions and about those confusing passages that always get skipped over.

The unquestioned faith becomes complacent and blind, and not much of a faith at all. Question the christian culture and instead seek Jesus' truth instead. Don't simply believe what you believe because your mother or brother or friend or roommate told you, but believe what you believe because you have seeked the truth for yourself. Know why you believe what you do and ask yourself, "What does it mean to believe what I do?" Faith without action is not faith at all. Believing in Jesus means following Jesus; they must go hand-in-hand.

ASK QUESTIONS

the end of an era

2005-07-29T14:05:00.000-05:00

So the CSM family is starting to leave. Earlier today Ashley, one of the CSM staff, left us for the summer. We started off with 14 city-hosts for the summer but then lost Jeremiah a few weeks in, and now Ashley left us. A lot of staff are leaving at the end of next week (Aug 6&7th) and then two more the following weekend (the 14th?) and then Hannah, Johny, Steve and I are holding it down 'til the 21st.

With Ashley leaving comes some reflection on where I've been this summer and what I've learned. I know the next three weeks will still have a lot of big lessons for me, but I am starting mentally "check-out" and feel a strong temptation to stop learning about the city and ministry and simply soak up the fun experiences of my final weeks. I am going to try to fight the sit-back-and-relax urge and instead try to make the most out of my last few weeks. I know God has placed a few huge decisions before me still, and I need to make those very soon.

I am going to miss Ashley so much. I grew closer to her than any of the other staff here this summer. We were just able to connect and be what each other needed this summer. Ash was wild and crazy, always ready to accompany me on an adventure. I could talk about her for quite a while, but without meeting her I doubt you'd all care. I just learned (for like the millionth time in my life) that I need to be open and honest and vulnerable and myself. Ashley taught me that by example and helped me open up by being an amazing listener and friend. She also inspired me to continue to run after Jesus, no matter how messy or awkward or sloppy it looks. She was always seeking out Jesus, despite her messy short-comings and failures. Her faith and personality were genuine and truly beautiful, and above all, she was always real.

One of Ash's favorite bands was Eisley (which I recommend):
follow me down to the laughing city
with people changing all their minds
it's crazy i want this ma'am, that ma'am, no sir
yes ma'am, that sir
well i'll tell you one thing,
if you're keeping something
then hold on, hold on to the ones you love
hold on, hold on to the ones you love
~Eisley, "Laughing City"

rotten tomatoes

2005-07-27T13:55:00.000-05:00

So how did approximately 100 CSM youth show God's love to the city of Chicago last night?
By sorting rotten tomatoes!

Last night I took a group to the Greater Chicago Food Depository (fondly known as "GCFD"). I go to this site almost every week (I think there has been only one week this summer where I haven't been at GCFD) with my CSM group. GCFD is the 2nd largest food-bank in the country and distributes food to over 600 food pantries, shelters, and soup kitchens in the city of Chicago. Basically, any where else CSM groups are serving food to the homeless or poor, the food went through GCFD.

Every year in the United States, over 96 billion pounds of food is wasted. Just 1/20 of that wasted food could feed all the hungry and food-insecure in the United States. GCFD gets donated food from companies, food drives, grocery stores, etc. and redistributes it. The food would otherwise go wasted because the packaging is damaged or mislabeled, etc.

Last night, several thousand good tomatoes would have gone wasted because they were mixed in with 7 dumpsters full of rotten tomatoes, but since 100 youth and CSM staff were at GCFD last night to sort them, those tomatoes will probably go to families who don't normally get fresh fruit and veggies. It's just cool to be allowed to be part of something so amazing.

Me: "God is good"
Student's response: "All the time"
Me: "and all the time..."
Students: "God is good"
(I love doing this with the kids- what a good reminder of God's constant goodness!!!)

and excited wins

2005-07-25T15:14:00.000-05:00

in the battle of tired vs. excited, excited was able to gain a solid victory over this past weekend ;)

This weekend was just plain FUN, and i needed that so badly! It was also incredibly busy, but I really enjoyed it that way. Being busy isn't bad when you're having a really really good time :)

So a quick list of highlights from my weekend in Chi-town:

Mike came to visit
group left friday morning instead of saturday morning
watching Shrek 2 in a Chicago park (sweetness)
dinner at Al Kalmieh (a great great Lebanese restaurant)
hanging out in an ACed apartment (mine is NOT ACed- it's just hot)
sitting on a park bench with Mike listening to Dashboard live for several hours
making pancakes for the rest of the CSM staff
having McDonalds with Terry (a new homeless friend)
dinner at Chili's with the CSM staff and Mike
several late-late-night hours at a Hooka bar with Mike and the CSM gang
church @ Moody

It reached 104 degrees yesterday in Chicago. The hottest day in a decade. I don't have Air Conditioning. Nasty.

Ok, I have to get ready to bring a group to Good News Community Soup Kitchen! Thank you all for your prayers. My 2-week mid-summer tired streak is over and I'm feeling energetic again! Amen to that :)

evaluations

2005-07-22T09:54:00.000-05:00

So at the end of every week, groups that come into CSM Chicago fill out evaluations about the week. They are asked to rate everything from the ministry sites and the food to the hosts (aka. me) and their spiritual growth. They hand you their evaluations right before they leave, and as soon as they pull out of the parking lot, the hosts generally like to sit down and read them. After spending all week trying to read the adult leaders and find out if they like the trip (or you for that matter) it is nice to finally find out what they really thought. Sometimes evaluations are really surprising and other times it is much easier to read the group.

The thing I love to read about is their spiritual growth during the week. The students are supposed to rate their spiritual growth on a scale of 1 to 5 (which I don't exactly agree with) but this week all the students circled "5" except for one who put "1 2 3 4 5 ..... 17" and then circled the 17. (Oh I love middle schoolers!) And their comments included:

"I want to go back and read my bible more"
"I've learned not to judge and to be thankful for what I have"
"CCO was the first soup kitchen I ever worked in and the environment and experience will stick with me for a long time. The way it affected me I really can't put into words, but it had a huge impact on me."
"The prayer tour was my favorite part"
"I learned that I need to not take things for granted. I have vowed to look to the Bible for everything."
"I learned that I need to 'stand in the gap' when I see things that shouldn't be and fix things that aren't how God wanted them"
"I learned a lot about diversity and poverty and that I can help make a difference"
"I learned I have so much to be thankful for"

I love reading these comments because I know I didn't teach these students these things. I never talked to them about being thankful for everything they have. I never lectured them on not judging others. I never preached about reading their bible everyday. Yet God used the city and their experiences serving to teach them these lessons. Since God was the One who opened their eyes to the reality of Chicago and it's beautiful people, I know the lessons they learned from Him will stick much much longer than anything I could have done or said.

Amen! :)

tired vs. excited

2005-07-21T16:32:00.000-05:00

Ok, so life has suddenly gone crrrrrrrrazy and really dull all at the same time, leaving me drained yet unbelievably excited at the same time. I can't tell if I want to lay down and sleep all the time or dance around in joy. So i just decided to come blog a bit instead. I am so unsure of what I am feeling right now, so this blog may be a bit random.

1- I am tired. This summer's repetitiveness is starting to wear on me. I think this week is just extra hard because I'm hosting alone so I spend all day with 8 middle schoolers and 2 crazy adult-leaders (who are married and pick on each other all the time). I really just crave time with the other CSM hosts and directors. It's so nice to spend time with people my age and people who know me. Since this is my first week alone, I haven't had to spend a week void of any friends until now, so I've really been spoiled this summer. Next week I'm alone, too, but I need to just keep looking at the positives. :)

2- I am excited. I think God is trying to tell me some big big big things about where I am headed in the future, and even this next semester. I don't know for sure what I'll be doing next, so I'm going to leave out all the details for now. I feel so blessed because God is opening up choices and opportunities for me that I would have NEVER expected. Oh, and there is that nervous/excited feeling again.

Ok, the the tiredness and excitement are messing with me a bit, but in the end, I feel SO BLESSED, as always.

+++++

I am reading like CRAZY this summer, and decided I wanted to sit down and start reading through the New Testament. Since I've become a Christian I haven't dedicated myself to reading my bible nearly enough. I know it's the same old story for most Christians- feeling guilty for not pulling out their bible all the time- but it's different now for me. I know the NT holds so much truth and power and mystery, and I just want to read it all. Enough of reading it chapter by chapter or verse by verse- I want to start getting the "bigger picture" of who Jesus really was and what it truly means to follow Him.

+++++

I love my group this week- they are from a small town of 3,000 in middle-of-no-where Ohio and so much fun! There are 7 middle-school girls and one boy, and then those crazy leaders. They are just a hard-working, positive-attitude, always-silly group of students. They love to explore and learn and nap (who can blame them- they shower at 6:30 am) and "van-dance" (don't ask). I'm so blessed by the students this week.

+++++

I've been sleeping on my back-porch this week because it's been so freaking HOT here. Ashley and I (another CSM host) pulled two of our fine stiff-as-a-board-and-plastic-covered mattresses out onto our back-porch and have made ourselves a fine new bedroom. Yesterday it rained in Chicago for the third time since I've been here (it's been a major major drought) so all of my blankets and pillow got soaked. But it was still worth it. I love love love sleeping under the stars and waking up to the sunrise. Plus, I love Ashley to death, so she's a fun porch-mate to have for a few nights. :)

+++++

And with that, it's worship night here at CSM, so I have to run! I LOVE WORSHIP NIGHT.

Worship Him in spirit and in truth.

Peace out my lovely readers :)

shotgun

2005-07-19T06:11:00.000-05:00

If you let Jesus call "shotgun" in your life, you'll be headed on the ultimate adventure.

Last night I was so overjoyed, I simply sat under the stars praising God and laughing because of His goodness.

Dang- it's 6:11 am- time to start another day!

(that's all for the moment)

sussie

2005-07-17T13:09:00.000-05:00

ok, so just so ya'll know, "sussie" has become our staff's word for surprise, and this weekend was a giant sussie for all of us!

Our staff "re-training" weekend was this weekend, and at 5 pm on friday we had to be packed and ready to go- but we had no idea where we were headed. We stopped at a Cracker Barrel on the way for dinner (Kristen and Mike- you know how excited i was!) and then ended up in an AMAZING state park near the Wisconsin/Illinois boarder. To go from the middle of the city to the middle of no-where was quite a cultural shock to our staff, but we spent the weekend "camping" (we had very simple cabins) and hanging out outside. It was so nice to be around nature and enjoy the stillness and silence of it all. I read a whole lot, had some nice conversations with people my age (for once!), had some good camp-fire food (the complete opposite of eating out all the time), and enjoyed the agenda-less weekend. I canoed, played volleyball, prayed, and slept to my heart's content. Now I'm back in Chicago in the middle of the heat and no air-conditioning, but I feel so sosoooooooo refreshed after a weekend away.

Sometimes you just need to escape a bit and upon return you can better appreciate what you have.

Attitudes, endings, and falling asleep

2005-07-12T14:26:00.000-05:00

ATTITUDES:

I am struggling with this one this summer. I will warn you, it may be an contradiction, but I have a bad attitude towards bad attitudes. Now you all know that I work with junior and senior high students this summer, and sometimes they just have plain old really bad negative attitudes! Bad attitudes have become a major major struggle for me this summer. For the most part, I don't see the need or benefit of bad attitudes among Christians. We have so so sossoooooooooo much to be thankful for and rejoice in! Yes, there are a lot of things and people in this world which hurt us and hurt others, and it is all right to be hurt, but the bad attitudes have to end!

I have students who complain about what they eat, when they eat, where they sleep, how much they sleep, what they do, how hard they work, etc etc etc. We are working and serving people with no place to lay their head at night. And we are following Jesus! (Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." Matthew 8:20) I am sorry I am complaining about complaining. Just pause for a moment and be thankful, because just the fact that you are reading this from a computer somewhere shows just how privledged you are. You can read, you have access to a computer, you can go online, and somehow you know me. (Ok, so i'm just joking about that last one!) I could lecture on this one forever, but complaining about bad attitudes is kinda sickening, so I'll leave it at that.

ENDINGS:

I found out I am going to be leaving here August 21st-ish, making me one of the last possible staff to leave this summer. In all honesty, I don't want to go back to Madison. I love my friends and church and community in madison, but I also want to stay here so badly. I know Chicago is for me and inner-city ministry is quickly becoming a big dream for me, and I just don't want to leave here. As things get rolling in Madison in the fall I know I will be all right, but I don't think I'm going to want to be back in Madison at the end of August. I am going to keep praying about this one and hopefully God will remind me of all the reasons He's called me to UW-Madison for 2.5 more years. I know I belong there for a while still as I grow and learn, but it's so hard to be so patient for so long when I know what I am passionate about- Jesus, the inner-city, and youth.

FALLING ASLEEP:

In the last 5 nights I've fallen asleep 4 nights unexpectedly with my clothes on, contacts in, and in some odd places. I'm getting a little tired here in the middle of the summer- 70+ hours a week and Saturday afternoon/evenings off is a hard schedule to keep up with, but I do love love love it. I know I have the strength of God behind me, so I know I will make it through just fine, but if you read this, pray for some more energy for me.

To all of you reading this, I am so thankful for you. I hope God is blessing you this summer. :)

comments

2005-07-08T15:24:00.000-05:00

I made it easier to comment. You don't need to have a Login and you can comment anonymously, so now you all have no excuse! :)

adventure (READ THIS ONE!)

2005-07-06T10:55:00.000-05:00

So last week I really felt God calling me to His side- for a time of solitude and prayer. I just felt like God had things He wanted to show me and teach me. This whole summer has been difficult in so much that I lose my freedom. When you are always responsible for a group or with a group of other staff on the weekends, you don't have much freedom to do what you want when you want. I longed to just go out into the city of Chicago. So Saturday afternoon (my only time off) I told everyone I was just going to "lay low" for the day and took off from my apartment with a little money, my camera, my bible, and my journal. I bought a day pass for the CTA (so I could ride public transportation all day) and jumped on the El.

My first stop was Moody Church, which was founded by D.L. Moody (for those of you up on your church history). This place is beautiful from the outside, but this saturday it was completely locked up. It hurt to see a house of God locked, especially one so beautiful.

Luckily, right across the street was the Chicago Historical Society. I had been there during training and there was an exhibit on Emit Till that I wanted to see. Emit Till was a 14 year old African American boy from Chicago who went to visit his grandmother in Mississippi in 1955 and was brutally killed and murdered for allegedly whistling at a white women. Emit Till's accused murderers where all found innocent by an all-white jury in the south, and the case really started the Civil Rights movement. The exhibit at the Chicago Historical Society wasn't just on Emit Till but on all the lynchings in the US between the 1860's and the 1960's. The pictures and stories I saw were gruesome, and not so much because of the mutilated bodies, but because of the smiling white mobs in the foreground. I had a hard time walking around the exhibit because I realized I was the only white person in the room. How did everyone else feel about what they were seeing? How did everyone else thing of me for being there? I was feeling discussed by the actions of whites in the past and ashamed for my association to them by our race. I wished, as I often do, that I was black- or at least I wished I could fully understand what it would be like to be black. At the end of the exhibit they had two books by the door that said "share your thoughts". I took up half a page with my own muddled feelings of what I had just experienced and then took a moment to flip through a few written ahead of me. I was a little surprised by what I found- I found bible verses and prayers asking God for healing for the situation and forgiveness for the past- I found pain but I also found hope in Jesus. I found Jesus.

After the Historical Society my adventure took me to... Cabrini Green. Yes the most notorious of all the projects here in Chicago. Cabrini is not a place you would find a young white girl from outside the city- and for good reason. But three bus-rides and a few quick prayers later, I found myself in the heart of Cabrini. I knew one person who worked at a little church in the center of the Cabrini buildings. His name was Lesile and he was the youth pastor at Holy Family Lutheran Church. Lesile had come to speak at worship night once for CSM so I got the chance to hear him, but I never met him myself. In the middle of the foreign land of Cabrini, I decided to go see if Lesile was at his church. I walked over- and on the way I met some cute little kids who kept calling me "white girl"- i'm guessing I looked extremely out of place in the neighborhood. Once I reached Holy Family I realized the church was locked up. Two drunk guys were drinking out of bottles "hidden" in paper bags on the front steps, and were very kind to me. I felt alright in the neighborhood- pretty fearless, actually. I may have been naive to feel that little fear, but I always trust that God doesn't give us the spirit of fear, and where He calls, I follow. Anyways, I went around back and found a little parking lot and a man working on a car with two cute little kids. The man came up and asked if I was looking for someone, and when I asked for Lesile, he said he wasn't in that day. I ended up talking to the man for a half-hour. His name was Chris, and he had recently got out of jail and was waiting around for his probation officer. Chris was hoping when his met his probation officer they would help him get a license so he could eventually drive the car he was working on and then find a job outside of Cabrini. At the time, Chris was unemployed, but (PRAISE GOD) had found hope in Jesus (big smile from me) and was cleaning up his life. Chris's girlfriend was a heroin addict (much like Chris used to be) and he told her she had until the end of his probation to get cleaned up or Chris was going to move on from her. I was so proud of this man standing in front of me- he was dirty from the car grease but was so beautiful to me. We talked a little more about Chris's past and his current struggle with finding a job- especially since all the employers in the neighborhood knew him as an addict and drug dealer. I trusted Chris, through, and we eventually hugged goodbye and I was on my way.

Chris gave me advice on the best way out of the neighborhood, which was on down the street and around the corner- which meant going straight around "hell's playground". I had heard about hell's playground before. It was a playground and field between two of the Cabrini buildings and was a frequent location of shootings. It got the name "hell's playground" because sometimes kids playing on the playground would get caught in the cross-fire of the shooting that went on there. I was on the sidewalk across the street from the field on my walk out, and had passed a few people who took little notice of me, when I heard a bang in the field. Since it was close to the 4th, I assumed it was a firework, but I looked over to see another bang go off from a kid running with a gun. I watched 4 kids, who looked like 8th or 9th graders, shoot at each other and start running in opposite directions. There were a few other kids involved who where running, too. I froze and watched. I wasn't really scared because no one was shooting in my direction and all the other people on the sidewalk didn't seem to take much notice. Someone I had just passed on the sidewalk yelled to me to "just keep walking" so I did. I walked and watched the blasts. No one seemed to get hurt and some of the kids on the playground didn't even run away when the shooting started. I taken aback- this must be such a common thing in Cabrini that people barely flinch when it happens.

So I was a little shook-up but made it the next 10 minute walk out of Cabrini. The whole time I was listening for police sirens but never heard any. Did anyone call 911 or did they just let it go? Once I was out of the projects I took a deep breath of disbelief and thanked God for His PROTECTION. (God is good!)

I jumped on the El and went down to the South-Side of the loop because I knew there was a Barnes and Noble down there. I LOVE Barnes and Noble. I'm not a big shopper at all (I actually detest it most of the time- especially the mall) but Barnes and Noble is my sanctuary- i just love books and big chairs and Starbucks Cafes. Anyways, I was starving at this point and thirsty from walking around in the heat, so I went into the busiest McDonalds of my life. This place was crazy-busy inside! I stood in line forever and eventually got a shake and fries (mmmm) and found a place to sit and journal and eat. Mariah Carey's "Fly Like a Bird" was on and I was surprised by her new gospel-ish lyrics. "I need You now Lord. Carry me high. Don't let the world break me tonight. I need the strength of You by my side. Sometimes this life can be so cold. I pray You'll come and carry me home. Keep your head to the sky. With God's love you'll survive." God shows up in interesting places sometimes, like out of Mariah Carey's mouth, but I'm very thankful for the message in McD's none the less :)

A women came up and sat across from me while I was writing and asked, "Can you get me a burger?" I said "sure... would you like to share some fries with me while I finish my shake?" She dug her fingers into the fries; they were black with dirt. She spoke in broken english and eventually shared her name. When I asked her if she had a place to stay, she told me "I sleep in the jail at night. I just got out of penitentiary four days ago." I thought about the people she probably ate lunch with four days ago... We were almost through the fries when she asked me "why are you so nice to people?" I immediately smiled and thought of Jesus, but before I had the chance to respond, she said "a girl like you could be raped for being nice like that." I was caught completely off guard but realized the disgusting truth in her words. I left to stand in the long line again to get her a cheeseburger, but before I got to the front to order she had left, so I left McDonalds, too.

I went to Barnes and Noble, and instead of looking at books as I always do, I sat in the cafe by the window and people watched and wrote. For some reason I felt uneasy in my beautiful book-laden sanctuary so I took off.

I caught a bus up to Grant Park (that big grassy park on Lake Michigan across from Michigan Avenue- the one all the tourists know). Taste of Chicago was at Grant park and I walked through the hot crowds for awhile. I wondered what they all value in life.

By around 8 I was ready to see someone I knew again, so I wondered south a few blocks to "Dancing in the Park", a program that goes on at least every Saturday night. My other staff and I have gone down there on previous Saturday evenings to dance on an outdoor dance-floor to live music. This Saturday was Salsa, and sure enough, I found a few other staff dancing when I got there. In a city of over 3 million people, it is quite amazing to be able to simply track down your roommates without ever talking to them. I salsa danced for about an hour and enjoyed every moment of it- including the times when the other CSM staff would find random partners for me. I was having so much fun I would dance with just about anyone!

It was getting late and most of the staff was going to catch the El home, but Steve (another staff) was headed north quite a few blocks to visit one of his students from the week before. A girl in the group he was leading had a chronic disease that had acted up, and she ended up in a hospital downtown. I offered to walk with him and Steve and I ended up visiting this girl and her parents around 10 that night. For some reason I really like hospitals, so I was glad to go. This girl had spent about a year in the hospital the week before and was very disappointed that her mission trip had to be cut short because of her disease, but she was so so so thankful to go in the first place. Wow, this high school girl was so strong and courageous, and I was simply glad to have met her.

By the time Steve and I had caught the El and made it home it was about11 pm. My adventure was over, but God used the day to teach me and show me so so so many things. I am so glad He constantly walked with me and protected me.

God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good. :)

little plastic baggies

2005-06-29T15:57:00.000-05:00

little plastic baggies- with little zip-lock closures. the bags can't hold much at all- they are maybe an inch by an inch. some are smaller. they come in all sorts of colors- clear, yellow, pink, blue. they can be found in pretty much all the places i went today. in the park where we take the 2, 3, 4, and 5 year olds from the local headstart program to play every day. they litter the ground of that neighborhood park- give me 2 minutes and i can pick up twenty of them for you. i also found them hanging around the large city park we ate lunch in- right across the street from a community center and headstart program. and then i went down to Englewood to help clean up a neighborhood center for kids- you know- afterschool programs and such. we were cleaning up the front of the neighborhood center and found more plastic baggies, and empty 40's of beer, and little liquor bottles, and a whole lotta broken glass. you know what kids at the Englewood neighborhood center like to do? they like to tumble. these kids have nothing to do but teach themselves how to back-flip. so all these little 5, 6, and 7 year old shorties are outside the neighborhood center doing standing backflips and aerials and tumbling runs. they don't have mats, they don't have instructors- they just have that patch of grass between the sidewalk and the road in front of their neighborhood center- that's their gymnasium- and they teach each other. these kids have determination- they just flip and flip and flip until they get it right. they are out there on that hard grass falling flat on their backs or heads trying to land that perfect standing back-flip.

the grass they're tumbling in is littered in those little plastic baggies for crack and broken glass...

The community center in Englewood is called Will Feed. It's nothing more than an old old warehouse-looking building that's been cleaned up a little bit, but it's become one of the few safe-havens in the Englewood community for kids. Will Feed competes against drugs and gangs with an old warehouse-ish room, extremely limited funding, and two over-worked yet passionate activist christian women. They don't have enough volunteers, support, or money. The two other neighborhood centers for kids in Englewood are going to be shut down soon because of government cuts in funding and the lack of private donations to make up for it. Will Feed is looking at a $15,000 cut in their budget, which is already barely enough to keep the two women employed.

--> In 1991 the Englewood neighborhood had 81 gang-related shootings in 10 months.

--> I talked to a 13 year old boy today who told me he didn't mess with drugs or gangs. He's like, "I don't buy that stuff (pointing to a little plastic baggie), I just buy condoms." I don't doubt him for one second. This 13 year old kid dressed pimp and rapped to the ladies about gettin their numbers. I don't doubt for one second that that kid is already chasing down girls- how long until he's a dad?

WHAT THE HECK?

I know Jesus is there- I see Jesus there- I see the HOPE.
but where are the Christians? Where are the Christian volunteers to help those two ladies working at Will Feed? Where are the Christians to donate used furniture and appliances so the kids that come to hang out at Will Feed have more than old cafeteria chairs to hang around on? Where are the Christians to donate the money to keep the other Englewood community centers open? Where are the Christians to open drug treatment centers in the neighborhood? Where are the Christians to come and hang out with the kids and make them feel loved and accepted so they don't need to go on and join a gang or deal drugs later?

and where I am, my servants also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me. ~John 12:26

For all who read this- please comment or e-mail me at mfkreitzer@wisc.edu with comments. It's hard to keep writing if I don't think anyone is reading.

Peace/Love/andJESUS

Lake Forest

2005-06-27T13:25:00.000-05:00

My group this week is about 45 junior high students from Lake Forest Illinois. They are all going into 7th, 8th, and 9th grade. Now if you know me, you'd know I love love love middle school students, so I'm super excited for this group. So far this summer all of my groups have been a mix of high school and junior high, and it just isn't the same as having all crazy junior high students.

The group this week comes from Lake Forest, IL, which is about 30 miles north of the city of Chicago. Lake Forest is one of the richest cities in the country, and the richest city in the Chicagoland area. Just take a look at the stats for the city:

Median household income 136,462
Median household income in Illinios 46,590
Median household income in US 41,994

PER CAPITA INCOME BY RACE OR ETHNICITY ($)
Per capita income 77,092
White 78,979
Black or African American 56,357
Asian 54,345
Native Hawaiian and Pacific islander 90,000
Hispanic or Latino 13,158

Just take a look at that median household income- especially compared to the average in Il and the US. This kids come from lives of privledge and opportunity and security. My prayer is that God will give them a heart for ministry or missions so they can use that privledge, opportunity, and wealth to help those in need. These students have so so so much potential- I hope this week serving in Chicago helps open their eyes to where they may be needed and makes them thankful for how well they are living now.

worship

2005-06-26T13:25:00.000-05:00

I've been kinda frustrated by group musical-worship lately. Every Thursday night it is worship night here for all the student church-groups that come in. For the first time all week, all of the students (close to 200 of them) and our city hosts (all 14 of us) and our directors (only 3!) get together. We have this GREAT authentic taco bar outside in the lawn and then go into an auditorium and have some praise-and-worship time. Four of the city hosts pull out there instruments and form a little praise-and-worship band and we got the overhead projector going and everything. The four of them sound great together do an excellent job every week. After singing like 5 or 6 songs together we have an urban speaker (thankfully for the staff, it is someone new each week) that discusses some aspect of urban ministry or urban life. It is amazing to see the student's reactions to some of the heavy stuff we talk about. Most students that come in to Chicago on CSM trips are so sheltered to the social justice issues of this world- it's pretty sickening.

But the thing that gets me is our time of musical worship. Honestly, I don't know how much I like it. Every week I spend time with great great great students who I love, but I hear these students making fun of each other, and I hear them complaining about eating PB&J every day for lunch while sitting in the middle of the projects, and I see them struggling to pay attention during a 2 minute prayer, and I see them in front of the mirror at every chance working on their makeup or hair. They complain about showers being too short after working with men on the street who can't shower anywhere. They talk about wanting free time to go shopping after serving at a soup kitchen to people who carry all they have in a few plastic bags. They talk about sports camps they want to go to after playing with kids from the shelter that only have a small fenced-off area on a roof-top to call a playground.

And then Thursday nights roll around and I see these students still and silent for once, and they are singing with all they have, and they are raising their hands to the Lord in praise... and all that can enter my judgmental mind is "is their worship really for real?"

And I know that my worship isn't always for real, and I know I fall so so so short of praising God's name in everything I do, so I know I need to reject those judgments I keep making of students, because God alone really knows their hearts while they worship. But the whole experience has taught me something--- since I have seen worship that seems so out of place and unnatural for these students to be doing (in my judgmental eye) I have come to realize just how important it is that worship is not a song but a LIFESTYLE.

I now know, more than ever, that worship needs to be continual. And if I am singing or dancing or working or even shoveling rocks in the projects, I must be worshiping. My worship must be CONTINUAL and cannot be stuck in a time slot of 5 or 6 songs. I have realized that I must worship in everything I do, so that worshiping in song is just a natural continuation of the worship I've been doing all day, in serving and talking and loving... There must not be a change in who I am and how I act between selected time slots of worship and every other hour of the day. I pray that worshiping God becomes one of the most natural things I do- something so innate it is like breathing to me.

On fire

2005-06-21T14:40:00.000-05:00

For the Lord that is!

Wow, I have a feelin' this is gonna be a long one, so sit tight and read on my friends.

First off, I have a whole whole lot to be thankful for right now in my life. Amen? Amen! So when I first met Jesus I just couldn't stop singing about Him- bus stops, on the way to class, in the shower (especially loud then), while I made lunch- you get the picture. And for a while I stopped singing all the time. Of course I would get some of my favorite gospel songs stuck in my head and a little bit of those would be sung from time to time, but it just wasn't the same. Well believe it or not, that has recently changed again! Since I've been here in Chicago I have been so thankful and go through my day simply REJOICING in the good God I serve, and now I can't help singing about j e s u s :). All day long, I have some song stuck in my head and it's just so good so sing it out, praisin' him day and night!

Second, I am starting to find out more and more about myself. Believe it or not, I really really enjoy listening to people and LOVE asking questions. Beware, I'm starting to come up with some good ones I may be asking ya'll soon. (Sorry, one of my co-hosts this week is from Arkansas, so I'm picking up the ya'll)

Third, I am LIVING IN CHICAGO when I grow up. I love love love madison, but I am actually sad I am going back there in the fall. I want to stay here in this city, but I know it will be ready for me when I graduate.

Fourth- this week is amazing! The past two weeks the church groups I have lead have been working at Headstart programs in Chicago every morning, but this week our big project is actually in the projects. We are working at Altgeld Gardens, a project of the Chicago Housing Authority down on 131st street (so 131 blocks south of the Grant Park/Sears Tower/MI Ave area you may all know). That is way way far south. We are working with Rev. Kirk Bell, a man who grew up in the Stateway Gardens housing projects in Chicago and found Jesus while in a gang. This man has an AMAZING testimony, but even more so, and amazing heart for the people of Chicago. He works in the projects and all over the city boldly preachin' it like it is! Anyways, my group of thirty some 8th graders and my two-co-hosts have been working hard in the projects cleaning up courtyards between houses. We mow, weed-wack, pick up garbage, rake, pull weeds, and sweep for hours every day out in the sun and 80+ degree weather, and to be completely honest with you, I am loving every minute of it. I am sweaty and dirty and thirsty and pretty ugly looking (i'll keep being honest with you) but I am loving it! A whole bunch of kids (ages 4-10ish) come out of their apartments and HELP US CLEAN UP! These little 5 year old shorties will be shoveling dirt and sweeping and raking better than my 8th grade group, and they do it just because. I am in love with every single one of these little kids! I wish I could put some pictures up for you all- maybe in the future.

I actually want to live in the projects. Now I'm betting you all think I'm just being naive in saying that, but I have actually been to them and seen them and been in them and talked to people from them, and I still wish I could live in them. I don't know what makes me want to be there so badly, but I do. If you told me I could move in tomorrow, I would.

And with that, I have to run- I have NO free time this week (other than the few minutes it took me to write this)! Maybe I'll catch a break tomorrow.

I am praying you are all so blessed, wherever you are. Let Jesus light your life on fire. Amen? Amen! Amen Amen AAAAAAAAAMEN!

it takes a lot to make me angry

2005-06-15T16:18:00.000-05:00

As God has transformed me over my past year and a half with Him I have been slower and slower to anger and get frustrated. Be joyful always, as the bible says. It now takes quite a bit to push me into anger, and I hate being angry. It just doesn't work for me.

But I'm angry. Ok, so maybe not angry but at least disappointed and frustrated. I love love love the group of kids and leaders that I am leading this week but hate hate hate some of their stereotypes and ignorance. HATE IT. I can't even think about some of the things they have said or done without wanting to kick something.

How are we living as Christians if we are raising our sons and daughters to hate others? Or at least stereotype them? YUCK YUCK YUCK. My group drove through the North Halstead neighborhood yesterday in Chicago. The neighborhood is also known as "Boystown" and is the center of the gay male community of Chicago. We ended up going through the neighborhood because I missed a turn while directing my group, and I know God had the little detour in mind. Once they noticed the abundance of rainbow flags, I explained the demographics of the area a bit, and in return I heard "ewwwwwwwwww" and "that's disgusting" and pointing and laughing and "haha, that sure is a funny looking gay couple" and "do they always live all together like this?". I ALMOST SCREAMED.

I'm sorry, but I love gay people, and I could not STAND the things they were saying about them, and without any hesitation and reserve. They somehow think it is FINE to think gay people are disgusting. They are missing the point- gay people are still PEOPLE and God LOVES THEM SO SO SO MUCH. And so as soon as the disgust began to be shared, I began to swell with anger. I didn't know what to do! Stay silent? Explain to them why God doesn't call them to hate gay people? Explode in anger? Preach it to 'em?

And I talked to the rest of my group's co-hosts (there are 4 of us altogether) and they ran into the same thing, except with homeless and blacks and other groups. Stereotypes are flying rampant in our group and we are helpless to stop them! We decided to end our night with a discussion of stereotypes. We had them list all the groups they have met so far this trip and then had them list words they think of when they hear that group name. Of course stereotypes flowed from their young mouths. The discussion countinued, and then the real jab came when we asked, "can stereotypes ever be good?" and two adult leaders of the group answered "yes" and went on to explain why, such as "they can keep you safe and out of danger when you know who to avoid".

For me, stereotypes are NEVER a good thing, even if someone is stereotyped to have a good quality (ex- Asians are very smart). I once again didn't know what to say! Tell them off? Explode? Remain silent?

My anger remains at a steady roar as I hear more comments from people who are just plain ignorant about racial groups and the social injustice that occurs in this City. My heart breaks over and over and over for those beautiful creations of God that go stereotyped by God's sons and daughters each and every day. And my heart breaks for these youth and leaders I am working with this week because I love so much but hate their stereotypes.

LOVE YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS! Therefore accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us, to the glory of God. ~romans15:7

More to come about this, but right now I am to hurt to keep writing about it. Comment and let me know your thoughts.

the projects- probably first of many

2005-06-14T15:45:00.000-05:00

The CHA’s Plan for Transformation is a program to rebuild and modernize the nation’s third-largest public housing system. Thanks to a firm commitment from Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley and the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban development, the city’s public housing is undergoing a comprehensive renewal. We are redeveloping or rehabilitating 25,000 apartments for families and senior citizens. We are ending the isolation of public housing residents by creating new mixed-income communities, where people of all economic backgrounds will live as neighbors. We are also instituting major management reforms that will make our administration leaner and more fiscally disciplined.
~ part of a statement from the CEO of the Chicago Housing Authority (aka the CHA)

Sounds good, right? In theory it is. Chicago built all their housing projects (well almost all) as high-rise buildings and filled them with only low-income housing. For you UW-Madison peeps, think about the South-east dorms. It is bad to have isolated communities of only low-income families, so after 50 years, chicago decided it needed to spread mix-ed income units all over the city so that low-income families could blend into neighborhoods like everyone else.

PROBLEM~
As Chicago is tearing down the 25,000 units of low-income family housing, it isn't building any more. For instance, the Stateway Gardens projects used to be 8 high-rise buildings in a row, and now is only 1. Where did the city put all those families in the 7 other huge buildings? NO WHERE! They didn't provide new opportunities for low-income housing for them. So imagine that happen with families living in the projects all over the city. Where would you go???
Better yet, as the city plans on tearing down those 25,000 units, it only has plans right now to re-build 8,000 more units. 8,000 is no where near 25,000.

Does it surprise you that 15,000 people are homeless every night in Chicago???

Oh don't worry, I plan on ranting about this issue more, but for now I have to go.

PRAY PRAY PRAY for these families.

GOD IS FAITHFUL

2005-06-11T11:58:00.000-05:00

Oh my LORD! God is faithful faithful FAITHFUL.
Follow His CALL and do his WILL and HE will rain blessings down upon you.

I am done for the week- but I need to share a little miracle from this past semester. I have always struggled with putting too much emphasis on school and grades and not enough on taking care of myself (aka sleep) and doing what I really love. It was always a matter of security- if I did really well in school then I could get scholarships and always guarantee to go where I wanted and get a good job and get into grad school (if I decided I wanted to go). If I didn't get perfect grades then I could no longer define myself as being the "really good student". I could no longer walk around and know my GPA was higher than everyone I met. Kinda sickening, I know. (yuck).

But I found that putting all my time and energy and worry into school was NOT what God was calling me to do. It is hard to explain to others that I thought I should start doing worse in school to follow God's will, but that is pretty much what it came down to. I felt God was calling me to let loose my grip on my GPA and instead hold on tighter to Him and the security He provides for my future. Getting good grades isn't always a good thing- it can be very unhealthy, and in my case, downright sinful.

So this past semester I decided not to worry about it so much. I would right papers right up until they were due and then sprint across campus to turn them in. I would do what I needed, but not a whole lot more. I found a new focus for my life- Jesus. No more stressing about school; I would do my work and then let the grades fall where they may. Don't get me wrong, I didn't slack and skip assignments or try to cut corners, but I did stop giving school my best. My best now went to God, and my time now went to ministry. Instead of doing my homework I'd find myself planning bible studies or spending time planning ministry events. I'd be singing with the gospel choir instead of studying for that midterm or working on 24-7 prayer instead of writing that big research paper. I was doing school as I never did before- it was always on the backburner. I did it, but my ministry obligations came first. It was hard because I knew that by following God's call to let go of that GPA and grab onto Him I had to not only obligate my time but my mind and prayers. I could no longer let worry or stress about school consume me as I did in semesters past, but I had to let my mind flood with prayer and joy for my life.

And in the end, this past semester was the best one I've had since my first semester freshman year. And I didn't care really how my grades turned out.

So here comes the miracle. Now this is NOT a testimony of my ability but of God's provision and faithfulness. This past semester I had more credits, more ministry obligations, and more work hours than ever before, and yet by finally following God's call to focus on ministry, HE WAS FAITHFUL.

God blessed me with a 4.0 out of nowhere. Enough said.

Let go of your reliance on your own efforts and work and all those things you find security in and instead follow God's will, and HE WILL BLESS YOU!
Amen? AMEN!

I'm beaming again. :)

unexpected insight

2005-06-10T00:57:00.000-05:00

It is Thursday night and my first group of the summer has been here since Monday around noon and they will leave sometime Saturday morning. That means tomorrow is really my last day with my group. Hannah (another CSM city host) and I have been leading a group of 11 kids from no-wheresvile Ohio and their two adult leaders around my favorite city- CHICAGO! There is one boy in our group who sticks out above all others- Alex. (I changed his name.) Alex is slightly autistic and has spent this week working at Casa Central with a Headstart program. Basically he spent the week playing with 3-5 year olds. It was fun watching him play with the kids, but the best part came tonight in debriefing. Every evening we gather the group together to discuss our day and different topics, like stereotypes or fears or funny stories. We spent tonight outside in the grass under a streetlamp taking about the ways we have been able to share God's love. Alex raised his hand to take a turn and share a story. Now most of the time when Alex raises his hand, everyone gets a little tense because you never know what he is going to say- maybe a comment about the republican party, maybe something about girls, maybe something about war, or in this case about God. When I called on Alex he said that one of his new 4 year old friends was so sad because he was short and thought he was never going to grow any more. So Alex shared God's love by explaining all the ways that being short was a good thing- you could dart under tables and never have to duck under poles or being worried about hitting your head. And then Alex said he wanted to pray that God would help the kids grow taller because he felt bad for them. Maybe you need to know Alex to realize how touching this moment was, but he let down his rough exterior and put away his anger for a moment to talk about his love for these kids.

I was beaming. :)
YEA GOD!

Grace

2005-06-07T15:16:00.000-05:00

Dear God,
I'm doing the best I can.
Frank
~Children's Letters to God

I kinda feel like that today- regretful looking back on where I went wrong and this past year and finally realizing just how wrong I was. Have you ever hurt someone without even realizing it? And then, once you realized the pain you've inflicted, felt so guilty for not realizing it before? Like you should have been better, even though you were trying your best?

That feeling of never being enough haunts me often. I always want to do more and be more to other people. I had this (or something like this) in my AIM profile for a long time:

I'll never
be enough
do enough
say enough
or love enough
but I know the One that is enough
and that's enough

But what does knowing the "One that is enough" mean? Well, to me that means that I know GRACE. Grace- that glorious thing that God gives us in unending amounts. Grace is a gift of another chance. At every turn we have a clean slate- all past mistakes are wiped away and we will never be known or judged for them again. At every turn, grace allows us to start again. It's the eternal "restart" button that allows us to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and try all over again. All you need to do is ask for God's grace, and it's yours. GRACE IS ALWAYS ENOUGH.

I am so thankful for grace- mostly because I screw up a lot and need grace often. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." ~2Co12:9 So for every time I am weak and fail, God's grace is enough, it's sufficient.

Today I learned a new definition of grace. Grace is when you hurt a friend and they say, "let's put the past behind us because I'm over it; it's time to move on from here".

That second chance... That great forgiveness... That's GRACE, and I couldn't be more thankful for it

jumping off in the deep end

2005-06-06T09:28:00.000-05:00

Being completely honest with people is scary- it's like jumping off into the deep end of the pool. You don't really know what the water is going to be like once you reach it. Maybe it's going to be painfully cold and biting or maybe it is going to be warm and soothing. And for that split second you are flying through the air you have no choice- you have jumped, and no matter what you are going to do, you are going to hit the water. Gravity is inescapable. Once you reach the water you can actually do something- you can enjoy it's warmth or swim for the edge of the pool if it's icy-cold. But while you are in the air there is nothing you can do except wait.

Honesty is like that- you never know what the reaction is going to be. You can put something out there- say something real and expose yourself and make yourself vulnerable- and you just have to wait until you get that reaction back just like hitting the water in the pool. Maybe the reaction is going to be good, and maybe not. Either way, it is inescapable.

JUST JUMP

Shhh.... listen (part 2)

2005-06-04T16:21:00.000-05:00

I had a good long talk with Lisa last night (my roomie!- thanks girl) and with my roomie here at CSM (named Megan) and realized that I can't just listen- that it is time to start opening my mouth when I see things that just shouldn't be. Lately I've been questioning- when should I be tolerant and when should I stop and "tell it like it is"? When should I get angry about the way the world works and when should I stop and just accept it for what it is? When should I preach the truth and when should I let other people find it for themselves?

I think the situation probably sounds very ambiguous to you, but it's hard to know when to speak up and when to simply listen and learn for me. But above all:

seek first HIS KINGDOM
love others
and be real and authentic

I am finding that being real and authentic means not only being sincere with what I do say, but also saying what I think instead of simply being silent. (the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth)

I think I have gone far too long being scared of being truly open and honest. I struggled with that a lot when I came back last summer and learned a lot about being open and honest with people first semester this past year. But recently I've realized i've been selective about who I'm honest with- It's time to stop fronting! More is going to come about this, but I know I need to be REAL and stop bing afraid that people won't understand me, that people won't except me, or that people will reject and challenge what I believe. Jesus is my all and all and I can never be ashamed of that- I have no reason to! I know God is so so so real! How dare I deny that?

No more frontin'

Peace.love.joy to you all!

Shhhhh.... listen

2005-06-02T08:29:00.000-05:00

What happens when you get a whole bunch of strong leaders together with a passion for what they are doing? A WHOLE lot of talking! I haven't been in an environment with so many "leaders" before, and it is so incredibly interesting to just sit back and watch how we interact with each other- and sometimes a little disturbing.

By the end of this past school year I realized I had stopped listening and started talking. As I became more passionate about things and more confident in myself, it was easy to talk all the time and not slow down enough to listen to the voices of others. I am so so so so sorry if this was you- if you ever felt like I talked more than I listened!

I realized that talking a lot and not listening was tied to pride- at least for me. I saw myself as more important than other people and my voice and ideas more worthy to be heard than that of others. As I noticed my propensity to talk growing over the course of the semester I vowed to change that habit this summer. I needed to re-learn how to listen and be patient.

So far I have nearly silenced my voice. I'm not shy or to myself, but instead use my voice to ask questions and affirm others instead of talking about myself. I stay out of any "comparing" conversations and sit back and laugh at them.

In the stillness and quietness I am learning.

(More to come)

Help me get a library card!

2005-05-31T11:30:00.000-05:00

I need some mail sent to me here in Chicago so I can prove I'm a resident and go get a library card! So send me something at:

Center for Student Missions
Maria Kreitzer
5047 N. Spaulding
Chicago, Il 60625

Ok, so I am quickly becoming a regular chicagoan (Chicagoian? Chicagean? i'll have to figure that one out) I think in the past 2 days I've spent over 6 hours on the CTA. For you non-Chicago peeps, the CTA is Chicago transit authority and it includes the El and the bus system. Both rock my face off! I LOVE THE CTA. You can get anywhere! Yesterday I went North to "Little India" and spent a few hours there eating and talking to people, South to Wicker Park neighborhood to explore and meet a whole bunch of people from the neighborhood, through the loop (blah), and over to Uptown to go to a Blues bar. Sound adventurous? It is! And today I went to the Humbolt Park neighborhood to visit one of my sites called "Casa Central" and then took four buses to get back (with a quick break at Starbucks on the way). This city is BEAUTIFUL and I have already fallen in love with it. I have been meeting Indians, Puerto Ricans, Lebonese, old people, young people, and everyone in between! I had talks with two Indian store owners that retired from teaching in India and came to Chicago. I met the cutest little boy in the park and we played soccer with a basketball. We named him Devon because he wouldn't tell us his real name. :). I met Linda outside a soup kitchen we volunteered at and learned all about drugs, dealing, and addiction programs here in Chicago, mostly from her personal experience. I met an artist in a studio on the South Side who has been commissioned to do portraits for everyone from Bill Clinton to Mandela. I met a women in the park who told me all about the night life on the North Side, although I will probably not experience much of it myself.
There are so many nice and friendly people here in the city, but it's still Chicago. Just last night there was a shooting on my street while I was downtown at a Blues bar. It was kinda surreal being called and told "be really careful walking back from the El because someone has already been shot on our street tonight." What do you do? I guess all you can do is walk home with someone, keep your eyes open to what is going on around you, and pray for the safety of the group.
Ok, so that is all for now
Remember, help me get a library card!

mississippi burning

2005-05-28T20:32:00.000-05:00

mississippi burning- i don't even know what to say about this movie. We watched it as a team last night to prepare us to discuss racial issues today with a speaker. This movie made me bubble over in anger and it broke my heart and made me sick feeling.

here is a little discription:
Plot Summary for Mississippi Burning (1988)
Two FBI agents investigating the murder of civil rights workers during the 60s seek to breach the conspiracy of silence in a small Southern town where segregation divides black and white. The younger agent trained in FBI school runs up against the small town ways of his former Sheriff partner. (Based on factual events.)

What really hurt me about this movie was the way whites used Christianity to justify their hatred to black people. How can we use Jesus's name to justify such pure hatred? And I bet they thought they were right- that they were following God's will in their hatred to African Americans. I wonder what we justify now with Jesus's name that is not at all of His will or character. How do we miss-use the name of Jesus for our own agendas? It sickens me just to think about it.

LOVE LOVE LOVE one another

here are two verses to pray over and think about:
Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. -1 Jn 3:15
Where this is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcised nor uncircumcised, barbarian, scythian, slave nor free, but Christ is all and in all. -Col 3:11

Leave comments if you have something on your heart about this- it makes it a lot more interesting.

CHRIST IS FOR ALL

a few words of wisdom

2005-05-25T16:26:00.000-05:00

as i go through training and start meeting my fellow chicagoans i keep hearing really good quotes and writing them down everywhere! here's a few to get you thinking.

It's all in your perception. You can be easily fooled by what you see so seek out the truth and know it for yourself.

Food banks don't solve hunger, they just put a band-aid on the problem.

Hunger and starvation kill more people yearly than TB, AIDS, and malaria combined.

We have do compete with the gangs for these kids, and that means battling the lure of drugs, money, and material things.

All these Christian high school students come in here to volunteer, and it's a shame, because most of them don't know the first thing about social justice. How are they supposed to help the people of this city if they don't understand their problems?

Jesus is in Chicago and active in His people; never doubt that.

keep praying for the youth of this city- i am starting to see that only the power of the gospel is strong enough to save many of them from the traps of this city

Jesus as Glue

2005-05-24T14:52:00.000-05:00

So perhaps the subject line needs some explanation. Jesus is the glue that is bringing together and holding together our team. There are 13 other college students (and grads) working together and in just the past 4 days (it's tuesday, right?) we have been coming together in amazing ways. Just last night we spent some time writing each other encouraging notes. God has blessed us with so many gifts and the ability to see them in each other. We also did an "obstacle course" at the local playground. At several points I was blindfolded, holding on to a teammate's leg and being carried by another blindfolded teammate being lead by yet another blindfolded teammate. Sound dangerous? We were trying to climb under and over bars and playground equipment the whole time. Now that's trust- being carred down a ladder by a blindfolded person!

Ok, so to sum up, Jesus is the glue. Makes sense now? ;)

We're about to get started, so i'm off to more training.

JPUSA

2005-05-22T08:30:00.000-05:00

It's 8:30 on sunday morning and I actually woke up early to get a little time to myself before we get started at 9. I think in about 2 weeks that will stop happening and I'll be waking up as close to 9 as possible when we start at 9 (which also won't happen anymore). This week and the next are training weeks and then the students start coming that first week in June.

So I have been getting to know one of the guy staff here. His life is full of stories and experience, far more than his 21 years would suggest. He's extremely opinionated and very smart- and sometimes ends up "preachin' to the choir" while talking to me, but he also is very inspiring. He's lived in Jamaica and found Christ while living in Jesus People USA after getting kicked out of his home. Below is part of an article about JPUSA. We'll be working a lot with this ministry this summer, so read up on how God is using JPUSA in this city. (check out jpusa.org for the rest of the story)

JPUSA
Jesus People USA is a Christian community in Chicago. We operate both as an intentional Christian community and as a worshipping church (not all members of our congregation live as full-time members of the community). We began as an independent ministry in 1972, and in 1989 we joined the Chicago-based Evangelical Covenant Church. We number about 500 people who live together at a single address on Chicago's North Side. We hold our goods and property in a common fund, looking to the model of Christian community depicted in New Testament (Acts 2:44-47, 4:32-35). Living communally and pooling our resources in this way has enabled us to minister to one another and those outside the community in ways that might not have been otherwise possible. This, of course, does not mean we believe God wants everybody to live in this way, or blesses us in some special way because we do. We have been privileged to function as a resource to the church, a haven for people in need, a learning experience for many whose journey has taken them in our doors and out to serve elsewhere.

first day!

2005-05-20T21:40:00.000-05:00

Today was a day of goodbyes and many hellos...

Mike help move me in over the past few days and saying goodbye to him today was like cutting the last security string. Not only was it mike, but it was my last safety line and tie to Madison and my life.

Now here, in Chicago- I have a new roommate and 17 new friends (at least that's my plan!) and a new city to love and pray for. The adventure begins! I know I belong here and I can feel the reassurance of that in my spirit. I just pray that the Holy Spirit moves in my life, in my staff-mates lives, in the students that come in, and in this city.

My heart just weeps for the city and some of it's pain. Going past the projects today was another reminder of the lives of my (now) fellow Chicagoans. But it also brought me so much hope. Can the Jesus I know love enough to break the cycle of racism and hatred that captures so many in Cabrinni Green? Can the God I know have a vision big enough for this city and it's people to save them all? Can the Holy Spirit I know fall so thick that every tear will dry and every need be met?

I am so sure He can! I trust in His promises and His love and His saving GRACE! My God is a powerful God, and this city has such a thirst for Him. The youth that come in will need Him so badly. And I want nothing more than I want more of Him.

So enter in this city God. Be a force like we have never felt before! Do something we could have never even envisioned to pray for! There is hope, and there is light, but I see that in God's churches and missions and people spread to even the darkest corners of the city. (Such as Cornerstone Ministry which set up in "blood alley"- i bet you can reason where the name came from.)

Amen? Amen!
To all of you that read this- please pray for this city, for me, and for my fellow staff. We need the power of God this summer... we all do. Take care!

late-nite laundry

2005-05-18T04:06:00.000-05:00

So it's 4am and i'm doing laundry and packing for Chicago. FOUR AM!!! I only have tomorrow left here in Pewaukee (so technically today) and then it's CHI-TOWN baby! While I'm doing laundry and packing i'm trying to watch enough episodes of Friends to make up for my complete lack of TV-time this past year and this upcoming summer. Maybe I just won't sleep tonight. It will be like finals all over again...

2005-05-09T11:39:00.000-05:00

Bekah and I after the concert!

the good, the bad, and the ugly

2005-05-09T11:09:00.000-05:00

The University Gospel Choir concert has come and gone... In about a week I'll realize rehearsal is over with and then I'll start missing everyone, but for now I'm just enjoying memories of our concert. Wow, it was BEAUTIFUL- and there was so much POWER in our songs. I think my favorite part was seeing people in the audience get up and clap and dance (there was this lady in the front row who got up as soon as each song started- she's my new favorite fan), and Bekah sharing the gospel. God spoke straight through that girl!

I found out today that some of Mike's non-christian friends were really moved by our concert- one went to church and another is "re-evaluating" their life... All I can do is sit back in awe of God. We just get up there and sing and God somehow turns what we are doing, something so simple and singing, into something powerful enough to make someone re-think their life. Thank you Jesus!

The concert and my first two exams are over, so I had some time to mentally slow-down from the rush of this weekend this morning. As soon as I did that a rush of fear, panic, and saddness flooded in. I can't hold it back! I'm LEAVING in a week from Madison, and starting work in a week and a half. I just can't handle so much in so little time- my emotions can barely stay pace with me now and I'm going to be taking them through a spin-cycle of emotions in the next 11 days. But I can already feel the change- that nudge from God that it is time to move. I need to let go and hold on to Him alone- the one constant through this all. Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever! So He provided for the UGC concert Saturday, He provided for my exam yesterday, and He pulled off a miracle this morning- why should I doubt He won't guide me safely through the rest of this season of change? He is my rock, and I am so blessed I have Him through everything- my rock, my strength, and my friend. :)

Only a few days to go!

2005-05-06T16:35:00.000-05:00

Ok, so finals are just around the corner, the Gospel Choir concert is tomorrow, and I'm at the library creating a blog instead of preparing 30 essays for my exam on Sunday. You know the crazy thing? I know this summer is going to be even more full and abundant than everything that is going on right now.
I've finally started thinking about this summer- it is one thing to know you're working in youth missions in Chicago this summer, and it is a totally different thing to realize it. I'm just starting to realize it... and I have a confession to make, I'm scared. It all is going to happen so fast! And in two weeks I'll be saying goodbye to a semester, all my friends and boyfriend, UGC, my apartment, and everything else I know and love.
I keep finding security in God in all this. Wow, it is so beautiful to think that no matter where I go or what I do He is right there by my side, unchanging and eternal. I know He called me to Chicago this summer, so fear, move out of the way! because I'm on a mission!